


Trade Mistakes

by blooming_Ednae



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-07-28 09:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16238816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blooming_Ednae/pseuds/blooming_Ednae
Summary: "Okabe...who was I to you?"Eight years have passed since the achievement of Steins;Gate world line; from research to moving on, both Okabe and Kurisu realize that the time passed between them has only widened the distance; and brought them closer than intended.A reflection on the what-ifs, regrets, forgiveness, and second chances, and how sometimes, too much time apart can bring people closer than ever before.[set in S;G world line, in which Okabe never confesses to Kurisu at the end of the OVA].





	1. The Calendar

**Author's Note:**

> "Don't wanna call it a second chance,  
> But when I came back, it was more of a relapse  
> Anticipation's on the other line  
> An obsession called while you were out,  
> Yeah, it called while you were out." - 'The Calendar' ~ Panic! At the Disco

** _October 15, 2010_ **

_"Then forget about it," he started, closing his eyes a bit. "No good will come from chasing alternate world lines."_  
  


_"I know," she said, shutting her eyes in slight frustration, clutching the maid tray closer to her chest. "I intend to forget it all."_  
  


_He opened his eyes slowly, keeping a downcast expression to hide his disappointment._  
  


_"I see."_

_  
She turned on her heel to face her back against him and walked away, unbeknownst to him the confusion and reflected disappointment in her own eyes._

_  
All the same, she missed his downcast expression, mixed with an unexplained bittersweet sadness._

 

 

\-----------------

** _September 29, 2018_ **

 

“I...see.”

 

His breath hitched for a split second before he exhaled, hands rubbing his face with one motion before he steadied his gaze on her again. 

 

“So even after all this time…”

 

“Please, don’t take this the wrong way,” Kurisu began. She fidgeted with one of her hands on her lap, the other clenching and unclenching into a fist on the table near his own hand, and she sighed before speaking. 

 

“I...you-”

 

“Your heart belongs somewhere else.”

 

Kurisu’s eyes shot up at him, but before she could speak, he gently raised one in a ‘stop’ motion, silencing her once more.

 

“Kurisu, there’s a look in your eyes...I don’t know how to explain it. It’s distant, as if you’re constantly daydreaming elsewhere.”

 

“Every time you look at your phone when he messages you,” he continued, “your eyes would light up. They become colored with this emotion I’ve never seen you have; it’s a mix of irritation and joy, but the bottom line is...it’s different.”

 

He sighed as he grasped his glass, unable to drink its contents. With a silent chuckle, he looked up to Kurisu and he shook his head slowly.

 

“There’s a fire in your eyes that I could never ignite.”

 

In that moment, Kurisu felt all of the air from her lungs escape her, a silent gasp in her breath as he revealed the cruel truth in front of her. She shook her head, in an attempt to deny what has already been admitted.

 

“Seth, you know that’s not true-”

  
  


“I can’t understand Japanese,” he interrupted quickly, “but I do see the same name come up on your messages every now and then. And while I trust you, I can’t deny the fact that you may honestly be feeling something different with each message.”

 

Kurisu shook her head. “I’ve never said anything that implied otherwise in those messages,” she responded. “Granted, we talked a lot three years ago around the time I first started seeing you, but that was because we had that paper to publish together.”

 

He chuckled, and he shook his head sadly. “Oh, Kurisu, if only you could see your own true emotions; it’s your greatest attraction...and downfall.”

 

She opened her mouth to respond, but slowly closed them as she watched him in careful regard, his eyes staring at hers fleetingly. With a bittersweet smile, he sighed in defeat, placing his hands on his lap as he kept his steady gaze on her.

 

And all at once, she braced herself for what was to come next. With a hard heart, she took in his words with full force.

 

“...I hope he sees the ‘you’ that I couldn’t.”

 

\-----------

 

It was midnight by the time the lights to the small apartment living room lights turned on, signaling her roommate’s return home. She listened as keys were placed loudly on the kitchen table, followed by a drop of a heavy book bag; in the next few seconds, the familiar sound of those footsteps came down the hall and stopped right outside her bedroom door.

 

Dreadfully, Kurisu buried her face into her pillow once more as her bedroom door opened, flooding her dark room with a blinding light from the living room. She tried to stay as silent as possible, even as she heard a sigh coming from the entrance of her room.

 

“What happened?”

 

Kurisu groaned; as much as she appreciated Maho’s straight-forward personality, it was something she didn’t need at the moment. She shook her head in resistance, not responding, even as Maho entered her room and sat at the edge of her bed. Maho poked her leg in response and Kurisu could only recoil away from the touch, curling more into a fetal position to clutch her dolphin stuffed animal even closer to her chest.

 

“Don’t ignore me. I know what happened. And I know it was big enough to impact you if you’re clutching to that poor dolphin with your life.”

 

Kurisu shook her head, mumbling into her pillow.

 

“It’s over.”

 

Maho rolled her eyes. “I know that, dummy. But how and why?”

 

Kurisu sat up slowly at her question and squinted at her with tired eyes. 

 

“This isn’t an experiment, Senpai.”

 

“And I’m not just your roommate,” Maho responded sharply. “I’m your friend, and I know you’re thinking more into this than you usually would.”

 

“Granted,” Maho continued, “this is your...first time breaking up with someone so…and well, I wouldn't  know any better, but...”

 

Kurisu buried her face into the dolphin’s plush body at the impact of the sentence and Maho shook her head.

 

“Sorry. That came out too blunt.”

 

Kurisu didn’t bother to correct her that everything she said came out too blunt. She sighed as she slowly looked at Maho again, weariness in her eyes.

 

“I’m okay,” she responded. “It stings, but...I know I can get over this.”

 

She tucked a stray hair in her face behind her ear before continuing. “He had this silly notion that  _ someone else _ was of my interest, and I guess he got tired of waiting for me.”   
  


Maho hummed at the response, but didn’t say a word as she let Kurisu continue. Kurisu sniffled a bit as she spoke.

 

“In all honesty,” she said, as she clutched the dolphin even closer to her, “I’m not hurt at the situation...that much. For some reason, I couldn’t see myself being with him so long term; it didn’t feel right.”

 

Kurisu inhaled slowly as she deliberated on her next few words, shakiness in her tone as she spoke. 

 

“I’m hurt and afraid at how true he may be, after all.”

 

Maho crossed her arms. “Is that why I saw an airplane ticket confirmation for Japan on the printer earlier?”

 

Kurisu winced at the thought of Maho finding her impulsive spend, but she decided to let it go. She nodded slowly, face palming as she did so.

 

“...I don’t believe in second lives, destiny, fate, or pre-existing encounters. We’re scientists, Senpai, and it’d be ridiculous to do so.”

 

“But,” Kurisu continued, “I...need to get to the bottom of this.”

 

Maho remained silent in thought, quickly picking up the implications of Kurisu's words. She crossed her arms, expression filled with doubt. 

 

“Is this the whole world line thing you tried to explain to me, the one you heard from him?

 

Kurisu nodded. “I still don't get it. I mean, theoretically I do, but I don't understand...the subjectivity of it all. It's so unsure and experiences can be interpreted differently, to the point that you start to wonder what's real anymore.”

 

Maho shook her head. “Nothing good comes from trying to mix in fantasy and reality.”

 

Kurisu turned to Maho quickly, shaking her head. “That’s the thing; is it really fantasy?”

 

She fidgeted with one of the fins on the dolphin as she spoke, averting Maho’s eyes when speaking the next few words. 

 

“Something...or someone, keeps drawing me back to Japan. I’m strung to something like a string that keeps pulling me back. I’m captivated by the lights and the sights of the streets in Akihabara whenever I visit. And I’m hung over by the familiarity of that room, as stupid and small that place is.”

 

“So that’s why I’m going back,” Kurisu said firmly. “I’m scared to know if what he says is true, but…”   
  
Her voice trailed off as Maho nodded, listening to each word that Kurisu mentioned. Maho sighed as she pressed her hand against one side of her temple, in clear exasperation.

 

“Obviously, whatever I say wouldn't effect you much. Even if I told you again and again that no other world lines exist with scientific proof, you won't stop searching no matter what," Maho said plainly.

 

"However," she continued, "There are things that you should be able to see with a plain eye, Kurisu, and I wonder if you’re actually just stupid.”

 

Kurisu’s eyes shot up as she made eye contact with Maho, opening her mouth to speak, but Maho automatically cut her off.

 

“Well, whatever. If you want to find the truth out yourself, you’re more than welcome to. Because I know you, Kurisu.”

 

Maho turned to gaze at the younger individual, a serious gaze in her eyes. “You’re one to find out the truth for yourself rather than others tell you.”

 

Kurisu looked at her puzzledly for a second and Maho sighed in return, facing her gaze away. 

 

“Go. And see for yourself,” Maho said. “Just,” she continued, “don’t…overwork yourself over it.”

 

Kurisu nodded slowly, in acknowledgement. The words of her senior didn’t quite make sense to her, but...she trusted them. And it was the only thing that pushed her forward at that moment.

 

“Thank you, Senpai.”

 

Maho smiled for a second before looking out towards the living room. She paused for a second before speaking.

 

“So...any reason you’ll be giving them to be going to Japan this time around?”

 

Kurisu paused before nodding slowly. “Suzuha-chan’s birthday just passed….Amane-san invited me but I just missed it…”

 

Maho scoffed. “I  _ did _ tell you to go, you know.”

 

Kurisu pouted in response. “Look, I thought I had everything in control, so…”

 

Maho side glanced her for a moment, before chuckling slightly. “You don’t really need a reason, really. I guess I just ask because...you know that they’ll ask, since it’s not for a conference or class reason; I mean at least...someone...will ask.”

 

Kurisu tried to shake off the implication behind the ‘someone’ Maho referred to by shaking her head and sighing. 

 

It was the reason she was going to Japan, and something she didn’t need to think about at the moment.

 

She stretched for a moment before glancing at her clock, frowning as she met the blaring numbers of “12:47 AM” on the display. Maho seemed to pick up on her concern of the late time and stood up as a signal to exiting the room.

 

Maho turned to Kurisu one last time before stepping out, glancing at her with a gaze in earnest.

 

“Don’t hesitate to call me, if something comes up.”

 

Kurisu noticed the way she omitted, “in Japan”; Maho often left the option open for Kurisu to call her at any time at any place, even within the states. Deep down, Kurisu had a great appreciation and respect for her senior, which eventually blurred the lines into letting her accept that Maho was indeed one of her closest and best friends.

 

She smiled in return. “Thanks again, Senpai.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And chapter 1, finished. 
> 
> I originally mentioned how each chapter is inspired by a Panic! At the Disco song, but one or two songs may be by different artists, so please look out for those lyrics that reflect each chapter's theme!


	2. Roaring 20's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "This is my roaring, roaring 20's,  
> I don't even know me." - 'Roaring 20's' ~ Panic! At the Disco

_**October 4, 2018** _

When Kurisu let Mayuri know of her surprise visit, she could practically breathe in the joy that emitted from Mayuri’s voice. When Mayuri let Yuki know of the situation (who so happened to be near Mayuri at the time of the call), Kurisu apologized multiple times about not coming to Yuki’s planned party with Yuki fully understanding that Kurisu’s situation was a little more difficult and that she didn’t mind at all. Yuki lightly highlighted to Kurisu the events that happened on Suzuha’s birthday, to which Kurisu could only hum in agreement, occasionally asking further questions to let Yuki explain the details. She could hear Mayuri laughing in the background and adding in small details of what happened, and Kurisu could only smile in return while listening to the two update her a bit on what was happening in their lives. Kurisu always thought of Mayuri as somewhat of a younger sister, and she realized she could hardly wait until she saw the younger girl.

 

As for Yuki, in all honesty, Kurisu could say she has only hung out with Yuki within the typical group outings or get-togethers, but Yuki always made an effort to include her in all the festivities. It was something that Kurisu appreciated from the other girl, and she found herself realizing that she was more of a good friend than she originally thought.

 

On the same phone call, however, Kurisu dreaded the moment Yuki asked if she was bringing “the man friend” on this surprise visit; when Kurisu explained the broken up situation, automatic concern and worry filled Yuki’s voice, and she demanded (and ordered) that a girl’s night sleepover must take place. For a moment, Kurisu was concerned about the well-being of baby Suzuha if such a sleepover was going to take place, and (even for a split moment) she wondered if that was even a valid point for Yuki to leave her husband for a night such as that.

 

“Oh please,” Yuki responded, after Kurisu found herself entering a fancy car that picked her up from the airport, “he’ll be fine. It’s just one night, after all. Besides, he needs to spend some time with Suzuha, anyway.”

 

Kurisu nodded in skepticism as she closed the door and buckled her seat belt, earning a laugh from Yuki. Faris, who presumed the front seat with her driver automatically returning them to her place, looked at both Yuki and Kurisu in the back seat and grinned.

 

“Kyouma is with him, so it can’t be that bad, nya!”

 

Kurisu was glad that Yuki fully laughed at that sentence, as she felt her insides churn for a bit at the mention of his name (well, nickname). She immediately recovered with a smile, reciprocating Yuki’s laughter in tandem.

 

“I guess that’s slightly reassuring; uncle and niece bonding, after all,” Yuki said with a smile.

 

It was no surprise to Kurisu that _he_ was the appointed godfather for Suzuha; as Daru’s closest friend, it was a no-brainer that he would be involved in Suzuha’s life from now on.

 

Imaginative images of him taking care of a child, actually being caring for once-

 

She shook her mind from the images that began to form in her head and the pressure that began to build on her heart, diverting her eyes to the city lights. Faris, who was unfortunately for her much too sharp for her own good, looked at Kurisu in question.

 

“Something bothering you, Ku-nyan?”

 

“Hm?” Kurisu turned to gaze at Faris’s intensely sharp eyes for a moment before feeling slight intimidation and looked away.

 

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

  
Yuki shook her head and Faris clicked her tongue, disapproving of Kurisu’s behavior.

 

“Now, now,” Yuki responded, with her index finger up in an assumed explanation position, “that’s a red flag indicator that something _is_ wrong. And now you must share it with all of us once we get to Faris’ place.”

 

Kurisu sighed, covering up the groan that wanted to escape her lips instead. Yuki patted her reassuringly on the lap, nodding as she did so.

 

“It’s okay; it’ll just be you, myself, Faris, Mayuri, and Moeka. And we’re all trust-worthy individuals, if I’d like to say so myself.”

 

Kurisu nodded in silence, letting the two ladies continue their conversations and plans for the rest of the night. Oddly enough, she wasn’t tired from her plane flight that much, and for once, she agreed that perhaps it was time to talk about it with individuals who were closer to him than she was.

 

Glancing up at the night stars, she gazed at them longingly.

 

It was going to be a long night.

 

\--

 

“Okarin? Hey, Okarin!”

 

Okabe looked up from his numerous notes on the coffee table towards Daru’s seated position by the computer chair. Daru pointed urgently at the baby bottle placed at the kitchen counter, worry crossing his face.

 

“Could you get the bottle over there, ASAP? Suzu’s gonna blow any second-”

 

True to his word, small hiccuping emitted from Suzuhas mouth as her breathing slightly quickened, her face expression contorted in what looked like a mix of annoyance and discontent. Okabe stood up quickly and hurriedly crossed the room to grab the bottle, practically running to Daru to grab the bottle.

 

He was a moment too late, though, as Suzuha let out a long and discontented cry, causing Daru to wince, her cries beginning to escalate with each second. Okabe looked around the small apartment at some of the toys that were dispersed about, in an attempt to find _something_  to calm her down, as Daru continued his attempt to give Suzuha her bottle to no avail.

 

“Oh man, oh man, I hope this doesn’t bother our neighbors-”

 

Okabe shrugged, walking across the room towards the random piles of toys scattered about, throwing a stuffed animal to the side.

 

“That’ll be their problem to deal with; they should know that a family resides here.”

 

Daru lifted up Suzuha to readjust her in his arms, her cries still continuing. “Still doesn’t mean I’m trying to be tactful here.”

 

He sighed as Suzuha batted away the bottle, cries ongoing. Okabe realized the search for a toy was futile and began to walk back towards the father and daughter pair, hoping his last attempt wouldn’t be in vain. Pointing dramatically, he brought his other hand across his chest, posing as he did so.

 

“You, lab member 008!”

 

Suzuha’s cries didn’t cease, and for a moment, he could’ve sworn he heard Daru groan at Okabe’s antics. He ignored the reaction, however, as he continued his facade.

 

“Crying because you didn’t quite get your way, is that it? Or is it because you’re in awe of the _great and mighty_ Hououin Kyouma?!”

 

Suzuha’s cries decreased in volume, but it was evident that she would begin again at any second. Okabe took this as his chance and he grinned.

 

“I should’ve known…! That’s because it is only I, the mad scientist, that can cure anything, even a small mishap of hiccups and crying!”

 

He stretched his arms out towards Suzuha, a motion he cued Daru to hand Suzuha to him. Okabe held her in his hands as he lifted her up dramatically over his head, laughing his characteristic Kyouma laugh as he evened his gaze on her throughout the process.

 

“Alas, lab member 008, you are still but young, but you _will_ come to know the mighty powers of Hououin Kyouma! Fwhahahahaha!”

 

As he laughed dramatically, he spun around with Suzuha still in his grasp, her cries ceasing as she began to slowly smile. First a hiccup again, and then, eruption into a screaming cry of laughter as she was spun around in Okabe’s grasp, him laughing in tandem as a fuel for her to continue laughing.

 

After a few spins, he began to slow his pace and walked the few steps back to Daru to return Suzuha, slightly unsteady on his feet as he did so. No cries emitted from her as Daru positioned the bottle into her mouth, a look of content on her face as she fed.

 

Okabe sighed as he sat on the floor, holding his head in his hand. “I think I’m getting a little too old for spinning anymore.”

 

Daru chuckled as he adjusted Suzuha in his arms. “Really? Using the Kyouma act to make my daughter feel better? I’d like her to grow up normal, thanks.”

 

Okabe rolled his eyes. “A normie like you wouldn’t understand the greatness called _imagination_.”

 

Daru squinted back at him. “That’s because a normie like me knows what _reality_ is.”

 

Okabe gritted his teeth in response, and he looked away in defeat. For a moment, a small silence fell between them before Daru spoke up again, slightly smiling as he spoke.

 

“But in all seriousness, thanks, man.”

 

Okabe looked at him and raised his eyebrow in question as Daru took out the now empty bottle away from Suzuha and he began to sit her up against his chest. He nodded towards Suzuha before speaking.

 

“Cheering her up, I mean. I’m still new to this whole dad thing, but I’m really surprised and kinda impressed how quickly you warm up to her without it being awkward. It’s like you’re a natural with kids or something.”

 

Okabe shrugged. “Not really. Maybe it’s because I’m still a kid myself.”

 

Daru gave a contemplative gaze towards Okabe and he hummed in response, as if choosing his words. He glanced between Okabe and Suzuha, an obvious question lingering on his tongue, but hesitancy overcame him as his phone vibrated with a notification ring which broke him away from his current thoughts. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his phone and swiped a few buttons before grinning. He turned his phone screen towards Okabe to show its contents.

 

“Yuki just texted me that they’re all safely at Faris-tan’s place; and it looks like Makise-shii made it in one piece here too!”

 

The subtle, pained expression on Okabe’s face was enough to tell Daru that he didn’t need to ask his question; his answer was in the reaction in itself.

 

\--

 

“He looks sooooo good now, doesn’t he?!”

 

Kurisu found herself in an interesting situation, squeezed between both Faris and Mayuri, who, by the goodness of their hearts, were currently overloading her with current pictures of Luka. While the younger boy always seemed more delicate and soft than others his age, she always did find him becoming of his age, most especially in recent years. He slowly grew into his features with a sharper jawline, firm but gentle gaze, and an ever-increasing height that seemed to come almost by surprise by most in the past few years.

 

Now, since her year absence, it was almost apparent that she was right about her observations; the most recent photographs of Luka were almost stunning; _breathtaking,_ even, she found herself describing him. It wasn’t that she was so much attracted to him in that way; she just found him to have an extra charm added to his looks along with a stunning gaze that complimented his features. He started growing his hair out, she noticed, with the small ponytail that was tied into a neat tie near the nape of his neck.

 

It was almost hard to believe, she realized, how much she had missed in a year of her absence.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted as Faris nudged her with a cunning smile on her face.

 

“What is it, Ku-nyan? Enchanted by his looks, are we?”

 

Kurisu shook her head furiously, earning a laugh from the two.

 

“Please don't interpret my expressions the wrong way,” Kurisu exasperatedly responded, earning a laugh from Mayuri.

 

“That's okay, Mayushii thinks Luka-kun looks amazing too and I can't put it in words, either,” Mayuri responded, smiling as she wrapping her arm around Kurisu's. “So you don't have to answer.”

 

Kurisu smiled back at her, her gaze softening a bit. While the whole idea of a “girl's sleepover” wasn't her ideal hang out plan, Mayuri’s presence made it a little more bearable and much more worth coming for. There was an odd comfort she had in the younger girl, and she always found herself wanting to do so much for her, as if she were her younger sister she never had.

 

Her appreciative thoughts of Mayuri stopped suddenly when Faris slyly nudged Kurisu, a mischievous grin on her face.

 

“Well of course Ku-nyan has nothing to say about it; she has someone for herself already, all set to go.”

 

Kurisu felt herself gulp in embarrassment, as she watched both Yuki and Mayuri jump into her rescue, Yuki speaking first.

 

“A-ah, well...about that...that's the reason why we're all here…”

 

“Nya-nya? Am I the only cat running loose here?”

 

Both Yuki and Mayuri looked at each other with unsure looks; unbeknownst to them, Moeka, who was quietly sitting at the edge of bed on her phone, looked up with a watchful gaze and pushed her glasses up to the bridge of her nose before speaking.

 

“It seems like….there’s a change in status for Makise-san,” she quietly remarked.

 

At this, Faris’s eyes grew wide, looking from Kurisu to the three other girls, who glanced away towards Kurisu. Kurisu could feel the intensity of their stares before awkwardly placing her hand behind her neck, avoiding Faris’s piercing gaze. After a moment’s pause, Faris suddenly gasped, grabbing one of Kurisu’s hands almost in tears as she spoke.

 

“Ku-nyan…! No, he didn’t…!”

 

Kurisu kept her gaze away from Faris as she awkwardly slipped her hand out of Faris’s grasp. “D-did what-”

 

“He broke it off with _you?!_ How could he!?”

 

Both Yuki and Mayuri gasped, with Moeka shaking her head in response as she continued to scroll through her phone. Kurisu could only internally roll her eyes at the situation; here they were, ages ranging from 24 - 26, talking about such a trivial situation-

 

“This _isn’t_ a situation to take lightly, Ku-nyan! Why didn’t you tell me before that he broke your heart!?”

 

Kurisu shrugged, fidgeting with her hands as she did so. “I-it’s not a big deal, so-”

 

“It is a big deal if you’re the one who got cut off,” Yuki chimed in, concern in her voice. “I knew you weren’t together anymore, but I wasn’t aware that he was the one that did it.”

 

Mayuri placed one hand lightly over Kurisu’s, worry in her eyes as she spoke. “Is that why you’re here, Kurisu-chan? Because everything going on back at home?”

 

Maho’s words began to ring in her ears after she had heard Mayuri’s response: _You know that they’ll ask, since it’s not for a conference or class reason._

 

Kurisu quickly shook her head, dodging all of the girls’ reactions (minus Moeka), as she smiled in response.

 

“I’m fine, really. I just...needed to figure some things out, that’s all. Think of it as a change in thinking.”

 

Kurisu gave a reassuring smile as she looked at the other girls; she quickly glanced up at Moeka and realized that Moeka had stopped scrolling on her phone and was regarding her with a careful gaze. For a moment, it made her feel a little unsettled before Moeka continued to scroll through her phone once more. Kurisu shook her head from the thought as she refocused her attention to the situation at hand.

 

“A-and it’s fine, anyway; I never saw myself being long-term with this person to begin with.”

 

Faris frowned as she placed her head on her hand. “Nyah, don’t say that, Ku-nyan. Other than the Hashida-nyan family, no one else was even remotely close to being married.”

 

Kurisu choked at the thought and she shook her head. “M-married?!”

Yuki brought her hands to her cheeks in embarrassment, looking at Faris as she did so. “H-hey, the others will come soon, and not just me, you know!”

 

Faris shook her head in response. “And Faris-nya is Faris-nya! I’m not tied to any rules bound by this world!”

 

Mayuri tilted her head in thought, and she laughed a bit. “And Mayushii enjoys helping out her parents, and helping others find love too.”

 

Kurisu shook her head. “What about Kiryuu-san? I can’t be the only one.”

 

Moeka looked up in response, shaking her head. “No use. I’m too busy.”

 

Kurisu almost responded with a sarcastic comment, but thought better against it, realizing that Moeka was indeed an independent woman of her own being. She shrugged once more, staring off into the distance as she spoke.

 

“We can’t just focus on the women of the lab; there are the men as well, such as Luka-”

 

She was interrupted suddenly by Moeka, who nearly whipped out her phone with lightning speed (and honestly the fastest she had ever seen her move) in order to reveal the picture she seemed to have been scrolling for in the past few minutes. There, on the screen-

 

Kurisu felt her face blanch as she looked at the man in the picture, a picturesque side profile of him with earbuds in his ear, the scene of the train cart in the background. It was a candid photo to be sure, the way everything was set in a natural environment ; the detail was stunning, she realized, as she stared more at the features of him in close inspection.

 

One fact that did stun Kurisu was how amazing Moeka’s photography skills had gotten over the past few years. While she still wrote for ArcLight, she eventually took the position of being the photographer for the small journalism company, something that Kurisu found to be a more suitable position for the quiet woman. Her voice spoke volumes in the pictures she took and each one highlighted the details she wanted to express with clear precision.

 

She realized she was moving closer to the screen, face still feeling blanched, and she leaned back in silent distress as she let the other women crowd around the phone with the image. She couldn’t shake off Moeka’s intuitive gaze, however, which never left her until Kurisu finally locked eyes with her. Moeka eventually glanced back down at her phone to bring it back to her, one more glance in her direction before she observed the woman quickly type something on to her phone.

 

Kurisu shook her head. No, it was impossible for her to know-

 

A sudden vibration on her phone signaled a message notification and with just a quick glance, she could see the sender was from Moeka, with an attachment to the message.

 

Kurisu almost wanted to throw up.

 

Moeka knew. She _definitely_ knew what issue she was internally having.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted as Mayuri nervously laughed a bit in response to the photo.

 

“That’s an amazing picture you took there! But, you know? Okarin is a bit different than everyone else, though.”

 

Yuki nodded in agreement. “In the past year, he seems to have calm down a bit more; actually, I noticed it more after Suzuha was born.” She laughed as she continued. “Maybe making him an uncle put too much pressure on him.”

 

Faris took a quick glance at Kurisu who seemed to have grown quiet since the conversation of Okabe rose in the conversation. She grinned a bit and nudged her, before speaking.

 

“Making Kyouma an uncle was a _great_ idea, don’t you think, Ku-nyan? Makes a man look more ideal, hm?”

 

As Kurisu opened her mouth to speak, she realized no words came out other than a dried up choking sound. She tried once more, but it was as if the air had cleaned her dry, and she suddenly felt her face begin to change in color pallor from blanch to light pink.

 

It was Yuki who first noticed; gasping with a covered mouth, she spoke slowly. “Makise-san, don’t tell me....”

 

Mayuri’s eyes twinkled for a moment as she smiled. “Kurisu-chan, is there something you’ve been hiding?”

 

The unavoidable gaze of Moeka bore into her once more, this time one of approval.

 

But despite the positive atmosphere that had risen from Faris’s comment and her own silent reaction, she felt herself suddenly choking as the harsh realities began to line up in front of her.

 

Of course he’d be Suzuha’s uncle. Of course he’d grow up a bit since the last time they’ve seen each other. Of course he’d move on to better and greater things without her.

 

_Without her._

 

The last two words somehow hung over her head a lot more than she thought and it began to echo in her mind and down into her heart as it had more of a weighty impact than she thought it would. Her chest felt heavy, as the cruel realities began to build up in her mind and in her heart.

 

Without her. It was true; at 26, they both had their lives ahead of them in almost seemingly different directions.

 

Her mouth felt dry as she tried to come up with a witty response to combat her actual feelings, but nothing came again as she closed it once more.

 

Was she bitter? Indifferent? Angry? Dejected? Why should she be? At her current age, she found herself to be an accomplished woman; PhD, active and known researcher in her field, associate professor for some quarters at Viktor Chondria, frequent conference panelist and guest, and three papers fully published, a fourth one already in the planning stages.

 

It was an impressive list, if she could say so herself; she was busy doing what she loved, and that was all she needed.

 

However, as the updates about her friends came about, and hearing how much he had grown without her…

 

She shook her head. Why did it bother her so?

 

He was probably busy researching on his own. An accomplished man himself, she wouldn’t be surprised if he was planning on a second paper himself in the short amount of time that he had just published his first one.

 

A pitting feeling filled her stomach as she thought back on that paper. _His_ first paper. In reality, it was _her_ third paper; four years ago, they had both agreed on collaborating on a paper together. And while that made headlines in their field of specialty, two individuals from two different countries creating a bilingual research paper, it almost felt familiar and nostalgic during the time she worked with him despite the distance. It was an unsettling feeling, being so natural with him and discussing difficult yet intriguing topics of their sciences, and yet, it never crossed her mind on how unnatural it was supposed to be. They had endless video chat calls, phone calls, messages, and even a few visits from her to Japan and he to the US.

 

The whole process took about two years and it was during that second year that she began to see Seth. While it didn’t interrupt her work flow for the paper, what she didn’t realize was how much she lessened the trips to Japan and spoke via video chat instead. She never thought anything of it, seeing that _he_ was never upfront about his feelings anyway, and she concluded that he was okay. She remembered several instances where he even supported her throughout the beginning stages of her first relationship, and how she got advice from a man who had never been in a relationship himself was beyond her.

 

She paused in her line of thought. He never stated he had ever been in one and yet, he almost seemed a little _too_ knowledgeable about the topic.

 

She shook off the uneasy, unexplainable feeling that began to build in her chest.

 

After they published their paper with a few interviews and conference appearances, she all but stopped going to Japan for the next two years. She had taken one brief visit for a conference and to visit the Hashida family when Suzuha was born, but other than video chat calls from Mayuri and very few messages from _him,_ she found herself to be content in the US.

 

But now, as the reality of her friends’ lives in Japan began to sink into her, she realized how oblivious she had been all along. She felt so focused on herself, and suddenly, the rejection of Seth and the ignorance of her friends’ progressing lives felt more heavy on her chest more than it should have.

 

With the mention of _him,_ she realized he had kept going; she had only seen him once briefly in the last three years, and with messages every once in awhile; it had her mind reeling.

 

Those messages they exchanged when working on the paper, the visits, the phone calls, video chats...she remembered actually _enjoying_ herself in those moments, and it was those times she had the chance to get to know _who_ Okabe Rintarou was all along.

 

The messages did, admittedly, excite her every once in awhile.

 

With that realization, she felt her chest begin to heave once more.

 

Was Seth right all along? Was there something that _she_ couldn’t see from all these years?

 

She felt mixed emotions of feeling delayed in knowing her friends’ progress, _his_ development, and her own ignorance to her own feelings. They overpiled her and suddenly, she felt as if she were drowning.

 

At 26, she couldn’t believe she suddenly found herself so very lost in a vast world.

 

After a very long pause and silence, Kurisu realized her hands were clasped together in a tight grip, her breathing became labored as she felt herself returning to a pale color. She almost wanted to stand up in a hurry to leave the room when suddenly, the touch of a gentle hand placed on top of hers interrupted her thoughts as she glanced up quickly. Amethyst clashed with a calm green as Mayuri smiled gently, rubbing her hand lightly as she spoke.

 

“Mayushii doesn’t know all the details, but you don’t have to tell us anything right now, okay?”

 

As Kurisu looked around to the rest of the women in the room, all four nodded and gazed at her with supportive compassion. Never in her life would she find herself in a slumber party feeling the most feminine and vulnerable she had ever felt, but she found comfort and appreciation for the individuals around her.

 

Yuki cleared her throat before speaking. “If you’re up for it, you can meet up with us again tomorrow. I think someone is planning a lab member reunion back at the laboratory so there will be a lot of people tomorrow if you don’t feel comfortable seeing...well...you know, by yourself.”

 

Kurisu automatically noticed the implication of Yuki’s words. While she had been so ignorant on all her friends’ lives in Japan, it was almost stunning to her how supportive they were of her and she felt a warmth in her heart as she took in Yuki’s words. Nodding slowly, she gave a soft smile to the other woman.

 

“...I’d appreciate that. Thank you.”

 

\--

 

Okabe stretched from his seated position in front of the small coffee table, blinking his eyes for a moment as she tore his gaze away from his laptop screen. The sound of a door closing caught his attention as he watched Daru slowly walk away from the bedroom door and cross the living room to sit on the couch across from Okabe, sighing in contentment as he did so.

 

“Suzuha’s asleep, at last,” Daru commented. He stared at the clock reading “21:30” and he shook his head.

 

“If you didn’t get her so riled up from all your mad scientist talk-”

 

“Hey,” Okabe interjected dramatically. “If I didn’t stop it right when it started, you’d probably still be up trying to console her. Besides, the newest lab member needs to learn a thing or two about how amazing I am as a leader.”

 

Daru rolled his eyes as he listened to him. “Fine, point taken about consoling her. But I don’t know about amazing.”

 

Okabe shrugged as he turned back to his paperwork. A momentary silence filled the room for awhile as Daru scrolled through his phone. He looked up for a moment and stared at Okabe’s hunched over figure as he toiled over more research work, and Daru sighed, keeping an even gaze on him.

 

Without looking, Okabe raised a brow and hummed in curiosity. “Toiled and troubled thoughts from my favorite right arm? Gazing at my amazingness?”

 

Daru almost made a gag sound. “Can we not focus on your idiocy for a moment?”

 

Okabe chose to ignore the question and, without looking as he wrote a few more notes down, he spoke in a more calm tone. “What’s on your mind?”

 

Daru crossed his arms as he chose his words carefully, eyeing Okabe as he spoke.

 

“Well...this is going to sound really out of the blue, but really, man. You have a knack with Suzuha and handling her whenever she’s being fussy, or even just keeping her company.”

 

Okabe almost grimaced at where the conversation was going, but he let Daru continue.

 

“And well, I can’t be the only one planning on having kids, here,” Daru continued. “I guess, I dunno, would you ever have any kids in the future?”

 

At this, Okabe snorted in sarcastic amusement. “Scientifically and emotionally, I think you’re missing an important factor here.”

 

Daru caught on to the statement and he uncrossed his arms. “I know that. What I’m really asking is, when are you going to be honest with yourself?”

 

Okabe scoffed. “You’re not making any sense-”

 

“Don’t act dumb with me, Okarin,” Daru interrupted. “I see it every time Mayushii mentions her. I see it every time you get a once in a blue moon message. And I most definitely saw it when I showed you the group photo earlier.”

 

At this, Okabe ran a hand through his hair with increasing frustration reflecting in his movements as he leaned back on the couch support behind him. He didn’t bother to look at Daru in the eyes as he stared at his laptop screen with blank eyes, devoid of emotion.

 

How could he tell Daru? Or anyone else? Where could he begin? There were more than a million thoughts and possibilities connected to each one, and it had his brain feeling more overworked than it should have.

 

Of course he thought about her. Of course he cared more about her than he meant to. And if he ever dared to admit it aloud, he knew that the bottom line of his emotions were simply defined with one statement:

 

Of course he loved her more than anything in his world.

 

At least, he _had_  loved her at  _one_ point. It was true that she was the epitome of his emotions, the driving motivation of his actions, and the reason behind who he was in the present. It was hard to deny; everything he did reflected a part of her in some way. But love? Maybe at some point, he thought for a second, but perhaps it's changed to respect and just a deep sentiment of caring. Admitting to the thought of it being love was a farce to himself; he didn't care to admit it. Denial has been his friend all along, and it's now brought him to a reality that he settled with. He brought himself into constant denial that his mind finally bought the idea that he no longer loved her. With the past 2-3 years passing, he had truly believed he had moved on in the years that she _didn’t_ come back to Japan.

 

In fact, even in that moment, he knew in his mind and heart he had moved on; he had buried himself in research and work that would take months at a time with a few all-nighters. And he never was distracted by the thought of her; he found himself being pushed forward to finish his work _without_ her in his mind, toying away at what residual feelings he may have had for her.

 

He did at one point love her; he definitely still cared, but to himself, he had closed that section of his life three years ago.

 

So when Daru had shown him that image of her in that group photo, he wondered why he felt himself feeling faint for a split moment, the breath in his lungs escaping him and leaving him dry with nothing to gasp for. It was for a moment, but there was no denying it had happened to him.

 

Shaking his head to himself, Okabe sighed in slight irritation. It was unfair, he thought to himself, how he had managed to move along peacefully in the current Steins;Gate world line and yet, fate still managed to mock and twirl with his emotions with _her_ coming back to Japan.

 

He rubbed his temples, suddenly having regrets about making a laboratory member reunion tomorrow night back on the lab rooftop with barbecue. He had announced it on a whim and knew he couldn’t retract the words once Mayuri had heard them; it would have been futile.

 

His mind began to retract slowly, and he began to think of her again.

 

...how was she, anyway?

 

Okabe immediately clenched his fist and relaxed once more, taking a deep breath before calming down. _It doesn’t matter,_ he thought to himself. _She’s moved on to better things anyway. It’s better like this._

 

The sound of Daru sighing broke him from his thoughts as Daru shook his head.

 

“Stop doing this to yourself. We know you more than you know yourself. Shocking, I know, seeing how _great_ you are.”

 

“But,” Daru continued, “running away from it is not going to make it any better.”

 

Okabe frowned. “I'm not running away from anything. My work-”

 

“Your _work_ ,” Daru emphasized, “ _is_ your run away. It's your outlet and a messed up reminder of what you could have had.”

 

Daru's blunt words hit Okabe more than he thought it would, and he flinched from the statement. It was true; his work had his mind a million miles away from her, and yet, each word of science he read and researched was like seeing remnants of her on each page.

 

“I'm fine,” Okabe began. “As long as other people are content, I’m content.”

 

He avoided saying ‘her’; his mouth couldn’t quite form the word, and it began to trouble him.

 

 _Stop it,_ he reminded himself. _You’ve been through enough nights not remembering, and this will have to be another one of those._

 

Daru paused as he looked at Okabe and he leaned back into his chair, crossing his arms once more.

 

“...how can you be so sure that Makise-shii is even content, anyway?”

 

Okabe shut his eyes at the sound of her name. A familiar, pitting feeling began to form within him, and it tugged at his chest remembering how her name sounded when voice aloud. Slowly, he inhaled and exhaled, calming the nerves that began to rise.

 

He picked up his phone slowly, glancing at the time and day it currently was, realizing how much time has passed in all these years. In all honesty, he didn’t know; he admittedly assumed she was, seeing how she devoted most of her time to advancing research in all the articles that have been writing about her, and how she expectedly stopped visiting Japan once she had gotten with _that_ man.

 

That man. No, he wasn’t jealous. But it wasn’t as if it was easy to give her relationship advice based on the minimal experience he had with _her_ at some point of his life.

 

The lack of response had Daru scratch his head, clearly frustrated. He looked downcast as he spoke again.

 

“Look, Okarin...I’m not usually the kind of guy to be giving you advice like this. This is probably more Mayushii’s specialty. But I’m looking out for you as your friend, and, as your friend, I can see the denials you’ve placed around you that’s prevented you from moving on all these years.”

 

“Because,” Daru concluded, “I know you; and you, whether or not, have seen Makise-shii as a partner versus a friend.”

 

The heaviness and bluntness of Daru’s words began to grate on Okabe; he wasn’t irritated, but it’s made him exhausted.

 

He couldn’t do this right now. In his mind set, that chapter of his life closed years ago, and he didn’t intend to revisit it. Being by himself, as the lonely observer he intended to be, was a much more suitable lifestyle.

 

As long as she was alive and okay, he was okay. Nothing more.

 

The pained feeling building up in him said otherwise, but he gulped it down, holding back the emotions. This was his choice, and something he intended to live with for the rest of his life.

 

Okabe straightened up and immediately scoffed, a bitter smile placed on his mouth as he spoke to Daru. Changing the atmosphere was the only way he could change the topic in the best way he could manage.

 

“I am but an honest man,” Okabe said in subdued drama, slight tone influctuations reflecting his Kyouma personality. “Contently alone is what I aim for.”

 

He looked off to the side and avoided Daru’s gaze once more; before Daru could speak, Okabe opened his mouth to interrupt him, not intending to continue the conversation.

 

He blinked away the sting of what he didn’t want to feel in his eyes, still avoiding Daru’s gaze. Taking one more breath in, he spoke slowly in response, burden and regret lacing each word.

 

He clutched his phone one more time before loosely leaving his hand placed on top of it.

 

“...what kind of mad scientist needs an assistant, anyway?”


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Oh memories, where’d you go?  
> You were all I’ve ever known,  
> How I miss yesterday,  
> And how I’d let it fade away.” ~ "Memories" - Panic! At the Disco

**_October 5, 2018 (afternoon/early evening)_ **

 

It was early. Much too early.

 

In their defense, she surmised, it wasn’t planned; getting groceries for said rooftop barbecue session should have been under the assumption that they, the lab members,  _ would  _ end up being the ones getting the items. 

 

Because he was always very much prepared for their company. Kurisu rolled her eyes in remembering his much-too-casual personality.

 

And to be fair, it wasn’t that early; it was just too early in terms of meeting with everyone. The actual meet-up didn’t begin until 18:00, but she was abruptly wakened by Mayuri that morning to be ready by 15:30 to go grocery shopping (why they needed two and half hours to go shopping for groceries was beyond her, but she didn’t question the younger girl).

 

As much as she sounded upset at the situation, she didn’t mean to intentionally. She absolutely loved being with the other members, but…

 

She inhaled with a shaky breath, trying to calm herself. The nerves she felt about the meet up that night clearly made its way into the social time she had with the others during grocery shopping, making her seem both on-edge and spaced-out. Kurisu jolted when a sudden hand gently touched her shoulder and she sighed in relief as she made eye contact with Mayuri.

 

“It’s going to be okay, Kurisu-chan.”

 

The simple words made alleviated some of her fears and she nodded, smiling back.

 

\-----

 

Okabe impatiently tapped his foot against the wooden floor, sitting on the computer chair within the lab room. He sighed as he aimlessly turned the page of an English research article, no longer highlighting key points or looking in the translation dictionary as he skimmed through the words. The tapping of his foot became rhythmic and constant, as he began to forget that he was performing such an action.

 

He immediately stopped as a soft item bounced off the back of his head; looking down, he noticed a child’s plush toy was the culprit to his distraction and he eyed Daru across the room, who sat on the couch, holding Suzuha in one arm and the other already with a toy in his hand almost ready to throw another at the back of his head. 

 

Daru shook his head. “You’re gonna drive me insane if you keep that up.”

 

Okabe, realizing what Daru was referring to, frowned in response. He turned back to aimlessly reread the article he barely bothered to understand.

 

“I’ve got a lot planning going on in my mind for tonight’s lab member occasion, so I need some time to-”

 

“You mean you’re nervous about seeing her again, right?” Daru curtly interrupted, causing Okabe to sigh.

 

“As I said before,” Okabe said, rubbing his temples, “no. I’m done with that chapter of my life. And it would do you some good to stop prodding into my personal life.”

 

Daru shifted Suzuha in his arms as she reached for a toy he held out, laughter coming from her before he responded. 

 

“So you’re admitting that at one point, there could have been more, right?”

 

Okabe said nothing as he glanced back at the article, picking up the dictionary in an attempt to appear busy. Daru gave one more glance at Okabe before returning his attention to Suzuha.

 

Why he even bothered to continue studying in English was beyond him; at one point, he thought it a goal to research in the US, but after some time, he realized he could accomplish just as much in Japan instead of moving to someplace unfamiliar. He had taken up English in the past few years, on and off teaching between formal classes and self-taught lessons (which weren’t the best for him, he realized, but he did what he could do). He could have easily given up and not pursue the language anymore than he intended; but he found himself still learning the second language. In the end, he realized it proved beneficial to him as most articles in English had interesting content he could learn from. 

 

And for a moment, he began to remember a quick passing memory from the years when they were creating their paper; she had spoken to him in English for two full conversation sessions at one point, in order for him to become accustomed to the language. He remembered having a major headache afterwards (between having to process complex topics and translating in his head, to her poking fun of his pronunciations), but he did remember them being very beneficial. She would sometimes message him in English to keep up his fluency, and it helped him excel a bit more in the language.

 

Okabe shook his head of the memory; he tried not to remember how those times were; it was as if a thread dangled in front of him, and close, oh so close, was he to being with her again-

 

The sound of footsteps going up the stairs to the lab shook him of his thoughts, shaking out the remnants of bittersweet pain. His eyes shot up towards the door as Daru began to smile, anticipating his wife’s return. 

 

“My Yuki is back…!” Daru exclaimed with a sappy tone, turning towards Suzuha as he did so. “Mama is back and she’ll be so excited to see you.”

 

Suzuha squealed response as he stood up towards the door. As if on cue, the door opened, first revealing Yuki, who smiled warmly at Okabe.

 

“Okabe-san,” she acknowledged with a smile. “I hope hanging out with my family wasn’t too much of a distraction for your work.”

 

Okabe shook his head, waving his hand aside. “Not at all, any time.”

 

Yuki smiled once more before crossing the room to her family. Okabe ignored their reunion as his eyes became focused towards the incoming visitors. He felt himself sweating as he began to anticipate the worst.

 

_ Breathe,  _ he told himself.  _ If yourself fails, at least Kyouma is here to help you recover. _

 

And he almost found it absurd, really, that he should be feeling this way. He did tell himself he closed this chapter of life some moments ago to Daru, right?

 

And as if time dare mock him once more, a flash of auburn caught his eye.

 

_ She  _ turned the corner.  _ She  _ was in his living room.

 

And  _ she _ was making steady eye contact with him at that very moment.

 

Okabe felt a breath catch in his throat as he locked eyes with the very person he had barely seen or talked with in the past two years. Steadily, her amethyst eyes were almost blunted with emotion at first before they focused on him with a clearer intent, slightly widening at first before relaxing once more. There were a stream of emotions glinting in her eyes, he noticed, but none that he could read.

 

He scoffed to himself. Typical; Kurisu was the one person who covered up her emotions quickly, and time has rusted his skills in reading her more properly. 

 

The one thing he did notice, however, was  _ how _ much she had grown in the past time he hadn’t seen her; if it were possible, she had become more beautiful than the last time.

 

He bit his tongue.  _ Stop it. _

 

When she entered the room and just so conveniently locked eyes with  _ him _ first, she couldn’t believe it had happened so quickly; Kurisu felt herself trying to erase any anticipatory emotions as much as she could, but, just as she feared, she couldn’t shake it off. Within the first second locking eyes with him, she felt herself waver with mixed emotions of absence, happiness, and relief at the sight of him. 

 

_ Relax, _ she told herself as she calmed down her gaze towards him,  _ it’s not like you haven’t messaged him in a year. At least you talked to him sometimes. _

 

And that was the extent of their first meeting in nearly two years; other than the quick visit she had when Suzuha was born last year, she barely had time to spend with the other lab members, mostly him, since she only came momentarily before leaving back to the US. She felt herself somewhat frozen to the entrance of the living room as he sat, gazing at her wordlessly.

 

The silence between them was loud and noticeable enough that the rest of the lab members began to slowly quiet down, noticing the somewhat heavy tension. Mayuri automatically picked up on the connection and almost began to speak up before Okabe suddenly stood up dramatically, a mocking grin on his face.

 

“What’s this? Has the long lost child finally dared to enter my lab after years of nonexistence? This must be blasphemy!” Okabe stated, pointing dramatically at Kurisu. 

 

_ That’s it, _ Okabe told himself as he kept up the act.  _ This is all I need to keep moving forward _ .

 

Kurisu, on the other hand, placed her hands on her hips in response and stepped forward towards him. With furrowed brows, she looked at him with slight confusion.

 

“Hah? Who are you calling a lost child? I’ve actually been busy with work, you know!”

 

Okabe gave a low chuckle still in a Kyouma tone before eyeing her once more. 

 

“As expected from the selfish lost child, because I, too, have been busy concocting research for the masses to extend my beautifully crafted mad scientist brain-”

 

Kurisu waved her hand aside. “Yes, yes, and by that, you haven’t really done a whole lot yet, am I right?”

 

Okabe flinched before recovering quickly. “ _ Like I said,  _ selfish Christina, I’ve done plenty, more than you would ever know!”

 

Kurisu glanced up for a moment at him and crossed her arms. “Stop calling me that!”

 

She spat back in spite, but mostly because she knew. She most definitely knew he was right and had done a lot in the years she was gone. 

 

_ But this is the only way to talk to him right now, _ she thought to herself, slowly protecting herself from the obvious truth.  _ Just for now, let me get through this. _

 

The momentary pause in Kurisu’s behavior gave Okabe a chance to relax before giving out a small laugh. She looked up at him as he had a small smile on his face, his gaze still on her.

 

“I see you haven’t changed much, Christina.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Keeping up with the name calling, huh?” She smiled back. “You haven’t either, idiot.”

 

As her smile reached him, an inner feeling began to churn in him again and he lowered his arm, placing his hand in his pocket. He clenched his hand hidden from her sight, gritting his teeth.

 

_ I really haven’t, Kurisu. And it’s really unfortunate. _

 

As soon as their typical banter completed, Mayuri clapped her hands nervously to get their attention, laughing as she did so.

 

“W-well, it’s so nice to have Kurisu-chan back, right?”

 

Faris nodded enthusiastically. “That’s why we’re having this barbecue, nyan! We need to celebrate her return and commemorate this day!”

 

Kurisu nodded nervously in return, suddenly jolted from her extreme focus on Okabe to the rest of the lab members. She flushed in response, almost forgetting that the rest of them just witnessed her encounter with him and she grimaced to herself, realizing how embarrassing it really was.

 

As Kurisu crossed the room to greet both Daru and Suzuha, Okabe kept a steady gaze on her. Sighing, he internally kicked himself, disappointed in his thoughts and actions, regression creeping itself up into his mind. A sudden but gentle squeeze on his arm distracted him from his thoughts and his gaze on her as he looked down at the source. Mayuri looked up at him as she moved her hand to gently take out his clenched fist from his pocket, slowly relaxing his hand and placing hers within his. With a soft smile, she looked at him reassuringly.

 

“Let’s have the barbecue now, okay, Okarin?”

 

For a moment, he felt himself stunned to speak; how Mayuri read him so easily was both understandable and complex, considering her easy-going personality, but he appreciated it as he lightly grasped her hand in return.

 

He looked away and smiled a bit in appreciation. 

 

“Thanks, Mayuri.”

 

\-----

 

The barbecue turned out to be an amazing turn out, in Kurisu’s opinion. Okabe did indeed have a weird friendship with Mr. Braun, but the landlord was a lot nicer than she originally thought (she realized it was just Okabe being obnoxious). Him allowing the lab members to have a rooftop barbecue was gracious of him, even though he did invite himself to the event which she found amusing to an extent.

 

She finally met up with Luka, who, in Mayuri and Faris’ defenses, did indeed look  _ very _ charming. Years did a great number on him, and she realized that the boy had grown into himself with more comfort and confidence. He still had the same gentle personality she remembered him to have, but he presented himself with more firmness and compassion. It was no wonder Mayuri considered to him be one of her best friends.

 

Daru was still, indeed, Daru. This time though, she noticed he was much more calm, often talking about Suzuha versus his eroge novels (which she didn’t want to hear about, anyway). There was a certain, mature aspect of him that he had developed into and she was grateful that he had both Suzuha and Yuki in his life. 

 

After hearing what probably seemed like the tenth story about Suzuha and Yuki, Daru chuckled as he noticed Kurisu’s eyes began to slightly glaze over, nudging her in return. She eyed him in response and he nodded towards her.

 

“What about you? I’ve talked your ear off about my life, and I’m sure the US is doing great things for you.”

 

Kurisu shrugged. “Same things. I’m working on my fourth paper right now and I have a conference again here in Japan in December, so I’ll be coming back again.”

 

Daru hummed in response. “If you have a conference in December, why come back now? There’s none that I know of that you’re in, or that you would be interested in participating in.”

 

Kurisu grimaced, cursing herself for letting that slip out again. “I...a vacation. Senpai suggested I need it before buckling down in preparing for the conference.”

 

At the mention of Maho, Daru’s eyes lit up. “Maho-tan! It’s been ages since I’ve seen her-”

 

“Should you even be talking like that when you have a family already?” Kurisu interrupted, crossing her arms disapprovingly. Daru shook his head. 

 

“Yuki agrees with me that she’s adorable too, you know! We have high respect for her!”

 

Kurisu shook her head. She had forgotten that the couple had similar interests to begin with. 

 

“Anyway,” Kurisu breathed, “it’s just been the same old otherwise. I enjoy my work and that’s all.”

 

As soon as the words left her mouth, Kurisu could’ve sworn that she saw Daru’s expression change for a moment; she felt as if his glasses glinted at her with slight scrutiny, making her feel uncomfortable before she finally glanced at him.

 

“W-what?” she asked nervously. “If you have something you want to ask, just ask it; you’re creeping me out.”

 

Daru scratched his chin for a moment in mock questioning before speaking.

 

Kurisu prepared herself, almost knowing what the next question was. 

 

“Well,” he started, “from when we last heard from you, weren’t you...you know…”

 

Kurisu groaned, hating the fact that she knew she was right about expecting his question. She debated on whether or not to tell him, but knew in the end that he would find out either way from Yuki somehow.

 

As soon as she opened her mouth to respond, Yuki appeared in front of Daru, grabbing his hand and steering him back to the barbecue area. She winked at Kurisu before turning to her husband who was still not budging from his spot.

 

“There you are!” she exclaimed. “Mayuri-chan and I are talking about the most recent cosplay magazine and thought it be interesting if you join us!”

 

“E-eh?” Daru was caught off guard as Yuki came up to him. “There’s a new magazine?!”

 

He was about to go, before he turned back to Kurisu who looked at both of them with slight amusement. She looked at him in question as he walked back to her and from behind him, she could see Yuki almost in panic mode trying to steer him back to her; she waved at Yuki with a small smile, in a reassuring gesture that everything was alright. Yuki frowned a bit, but nodded back at her, patiently waiting for Daru to say one last thing to Kurisu. 

 

Without looking at her, Daru spoke in a low voice to Kurisu, only within her earshot.

 

“I know you don’t want to answer me about the other stuff, but at least answer me this: can you talk to Okarin before you leave back to the US?”   
  


Kurisu looked at him in slight confusion before Daru clarified. 

 

“I don’t know what’s been going on between you two, but just...really talk to him, alright? He’s a pretty open and nice guy...but there’s a lot he doesn’t say, either.”

 

Kurisu nodded slowly in response. Watching as Daru walked off with Yuki, she tried to unravel the meaning of Daru’s words, but couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was that made her feel unsettled. 

 

Yuki glanced back at Kurisu once more with concern, but Kurisu shook her head. She acknowledged the other woman’s concern, but wanted to be alone for a bit as she watched the rest of the members from far away. Yuki nodded, before returning her attention to the others before they noticed her actions.

 

Kurisu leaned back on the rails of the rooftop, sighing as she did so. Daru is a good man, she surmised, but a little too-knowing. Then again, she concluded in her mind, Daru  _ is _ his closest friend. 

 

She shook her head. Talk to him? She had already planned on that. That was her main intention of coming to Japan, to get to the bottom of everything confusing in her mind.

 

But, she realized, coming to Japan had surfaced more questions than answers. It was a frustrating array in her mind, something she wasn’t used to. While she loved chaos, there was no defining reason to the current chaos she was, in comparison to the chaotic research she was used to. It exasperated her, not knowing what she was supposed to be looking for.

 

And all of a sudden, as she glanced up to look a the rest of the lab members, she saw him again within the circle, an atmosphere that seemed so natural for him to be in. 

 

Her stomach churned as she saw him interact with Suzuha; as Yuki and Daru talked ecstatically with Mayuri, Okabe had been the one to take Suzuha from them for slight relief, as he held her up, dramatically laughing in order to amuse Suzuha. And he didn’t fail, not one bit. Suzuha reciprocated with gleeful giggles, clapping every once in awhile as he spoke to her with nonsensical talk. 

 

To Kurisu, it was a scene filled with individuals who had grown up with each other throughout the years; they’ve watched each other grow, been there for the worst and the best, and understood each other far more than she knew about them.

 

Most especially him, who seemed to be the center of it all.

 

She turned away from the scene slowly, choosing to overlook the scenery of Akihabara instead. Thinking about the scene she just saw brought her the same feeling as she felt before; questionable but familiar feelings rose in her, as if at some point, she was meant to be closer with the lab members than she was at that moment.

 

Something inside tickled with her emotions; she wanted to know more about them, but the closer she came, the more distant she felt herself to be when she thought about the present. But when she felt herself apart from them, she only wanted to be with them all the more.

 

And suddenly, it clicked in her mind; it was the same feeling she had around him, if not, more.

 

Why did she keep coming back to this place? Most of all, why did her mind keep reverting back to him? She hated how familiar she felt around him, which caused the distance between them to grow all the more. The closer she felt, the farther away she pushed; it was a concept she couldn’t understand.

 

Time couldn’t play catch up to the memories she had lost making with the others. She felt that her absence in Japan caused an absence in her heart, craving for what other familiar memories she could have dug up while being around the others. 

 

...including what other memories she could have made if she were around him. 

 

She rubbed her temples in frustration. The sight of him taking care of Suzuha hit her more than it should have; it shed light to a different side of him, she realized. It was a side of him that was more endearing and caring-

 

And yet another thing she missed throughout these years’ absence. Getting to know more about him, instead of just the surface; she felt she had started to know who he was during their collaborative paper, but even then, it felt like she was barely starting to scratch the surface. Was she close at the time? If she stayed, would she had found out?   
  


She always tried to ignore the undeniable and bittersweet look he would sometimes give her when she would banter with him. Truth be told, it bothered her a lot; he was hiding something that he didn’t want to tell her, and she intended to find out.

 

But the more she tried to speak with him, the more her words escaped her. He felt almost unreachable, even though he was right next to her.

 

And as if on cue, Kurisu snapped out of her thoughts when a pair of footsteps sounded its way next to her, stopping at the same railing as she and looking over the same citylights.

 

“No longer hungry? Daru is going to eat the rest if you don’t go there right now.”

 

Kurisu stiffened. How time knew when to bring him to her was beyond anything she could fathom, but she accepted it. Straightening up, she sighed and shook her head.

 

“I’m fine. I ate enough.”

 

For a moment, he glanced at her, hesitating eyes observant as he kept his gaze steady before finally looking away into the Akihabara lights below. There was a silence that enveloped the two of them, a small breeze filling the space between them as they stood next to each other. They stood in an awkward position, as if there were an invisible barrier between them representing what could and would have been.

 

The silence became unbearable as Okabe decided it was time to speak, opening his mouth to ask a question before Faris’s voice sounded over them.

 

“Kyouma-nyan, we ran out of drinks! Be a sweetheart for Faris-nyan and buy more, please?”

 

Her sweet-filled, sing-song voice reached Okabe who sighed in exasperation, shaking his head.

 

“Lab member 007, you’ve failed as your one and only mission-”

 

Surprisingly, Faris didn’t play along with his antics and only waved it aside. “Just this once, please Kyouma-nyan? We’re going to die of thirst!”

 

As dramatic as the plea was, Okabe shook his head nonchalantly. He glanced back at Kurisu, nodding towards the rooftop door to exit as he did so.

 

“Care to join me, Christina?”


	4. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Cause I don’t think about you every single night,  
> I’ll be fine without you….  
> These are the lies that I tell myself at night,  
> These are the lies that are keeping me alive." - 'These Are The Lies' ~ The Cab

 

 

**_October 5, 2018 (Evening)_ **

 

The Akihabara nights had gotten remotely cooler, Kurisu noticed, as she brought her light cardigan around herself. While it wasn’t the same brown one she usually donned, she still preferred a cardigan over a simple blouse, bringing the dark blue-colored cardigan closer around her as she caught up to walk next to Okabe.

 

Okabe didn’t so much glance at her as he kept his eyes straight ahead on the road, walking to the local convenience store. They didn’t say anything at all, quiet silence over them, even as Okabe went into the store and bought the necessary requested items. 

 

It was odd; the silence between them was comforting, yet awkward; something felt out of place, Kurisu noted to herself, but it didn’t feel completely wrong to be in silence, either. She felt herself internally feel that sense of bittersweet familiarity again, and it nagged into her until she decided to speak up.

 

As the doors of the convenience store closed behind her, she opened her mouth to speak, unable to pinpoint the emotion she currently felt.

 

“Okabe-”

 

“How have you been?”

 

His abrupt interruption distracted her, and she shook her head, pausing before answering. She sighed.

 

“Why do you want to know, suddenly?”

 

Okabe shrugged. “Your messages hardly tell me what’s going in your life; just thought it’d be a good idea to figure out where precious Lab member 004 has stuck her head into now.”

 

Kurisu crossed her arms once more as they walked the semi-short distance back to the lab apartment, looking up at the sky briefly before gazing back at the road, avoiding his gaze.

 

“The usual. Research, conferences, panels...I’m an associate professor for a few classes every other quarter. Helps break up the monotone every once in awhile.”

 

Okabe nodded, listening intently. “As expected. Working on your fourth paper, I assume?”

 

Kurisu nodded in return. “Yeah. It’s not ready for review yet, still working out the smaller things to make it flow better.”

 

Okabe said nothing in reference to the paper, placing his hands in his pockets in a more relaxed posture. 

 

“How’s Hiyajo-san?”

 

Kurisu laughed a bit. “Still messy as ever. But living with her has been really productive. I have no complaints about being with her, since we both research the same things, anyway.”

 

Okabe hummed in response, acknowledging her statement, but didn’t quite delve into the topic. When he asked no further questions, she nudged him on the side, nodding her head towards him as she did so.

 

“And you? Anything new?”   
  


Okabe remained silent at first, contemplating his words. “Work. Research. Still learning English.”

 

Kurisu laughed a bit at this. “I can start speaking in English so you can practice again, if you want.”

 

Okabe grimaced, his face contorted with discontent. “I’d...advise against it right now, thank you very much.”

 

She smiled, putting her hands in her cardigan pockets. “Someone getting rusty, I hear?”

 

Okabe smiled in return and he shook his head. “You’d be shocked to hear me and how much I can understand now; I’m merely saving my talents for an appropriate audience.”

 

Kurisu rolled her eyes. “Please. And who else would that be? The only other people who understand English as fluently is Tennouji-san and he doesn’t even like you that much.”

 

Okabe crossed his arms. “I’d like to say we have a mutual partnership.”

 

“Uh huh. Explains why he still yells about raising the rent after eight years.”

 

He frowned in response. “Mr. Braun already raised the prices since I started working…”

 

Kurisu chuckled at this. “That’s a compliment; that means he thinks you’re responsible enough to handle being an adult, for once.”

 

Okabe glanced at her. “We’ve established that being a mad scientist has no age difference-

 

“Sorry,” Kurisu sarcastically mocked, “should’ve considered the fact that there’s a first time for everyone to feel like an adult. Don’t think too much on it, though, you might explode your  _ adult brain _ into pieces.”

 

Okabe turned away with a harumph, silently accepting her sarcastic win as they continued to walk towards the lab. When the silence came over them once more, Okabe gave one quick glance towards her before looking away, a question lingering on his tongue. He wondered if it would be too fast to switch topics and advised against himself to not ask it.

 

“No.”

 

Okabe looked up suddenly at Kurisu, who began shaking her head. 

 

“What?” Okabe asked in question, slight confusion in his voice. When she shook her head again, she sighed, closing her eyes momentarily.

 

“No,” she repeated again. “I’m...not with him anymore. If that’s what you’re going to ask.”

 

Okabe silently gulped in embarrassment, not realizing how obvious his nonverbal actions were. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly, unsure how to follow up with such a straightforward answer, before swallowing his pride and attempting to respond to her.

 

“W-well-”

 

“It’s clear that you wanted to ask me,” Kurisu snapped in return, “so I might as well say it first before you ask.”

 

The bitterness in her voice caused him to flinch a bit and she sighed shaking her head.

 

“...sorry. I’m just…” she sighed again in frustration, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she tried to cool down by breathing in the crisp night air.

 

Okabe glanced at her again, eyeing the way she tried to brush off her frustration and turned away quickly so as to not make it obvious. He mentally kicked himself again for hating the way he was acting, and cleared his throat to take his mind off of it.

 

“Er...how did...well…”

 

He spewed out incoherent words in an attempt to make a sentence to no avail. He expected a glare from her for even asking, but she merely kept her eyes on the road. He could tell there were traces of weariness from recalling the incident.

 

Kurisu on the other hand, thought for a bit on how to explain the situation. She couldn’t quite explain the real reasoning behind why he broke it off; it had everything to  _ do _ with Okabe and the reason why she was back. She tried to formulate some type of explanation, but none came.

 

“I-it’s fine, I mean it’s...understandable the way you’re feeling right now.”

 

His words broke her train of thought as he attempted to move the subject. He cringed at his words, a feeble attempt to cheer her up. Sighing, he attempted again, hoping to contribute something of relevance to the conversation.

 

“I mean...you’re probably feeling bitter or disappointed at the situation; that guy, he was your uh, first boyfriend, wasn’t he?”

 

She sighed and slowly spoke. “...yeah and...I’m sorry, I just can’t...talk about it right now.”

 

He nodded stiffly, continuing.

 

“So just...take your time. Figure things out. I know we’ve reached an age where everyone seems to be settling down but there’s...no rush…”

 

He was met with more silence and he could do nothing but look away from her, feeling the awkwardness in him develop into silence. After a second or two, he heard her snicker a bit, which eventually developed into a laugh, something so pure and loud ringing in his ears with a familiar nostalgia.

 

He glanced at her, slightly pouting. “What did I say?”

 

She looked back up at him. “You really haven’t had a girlfriend before, have you?”

 

The question caught him off guard, but he again stiffly shook his head, biting back the honest truth. In all reality, she never technically was his...girlfriend, but a kiss meant a lot to him and he could almost count her as such.

 

But he stubbornly left his mouth close, hearing her hum in response. He looked at her once more.

 

“I still don’t get why you’re laughing.”

 

Kurisu grinned. “Because if you were in a previous relationship at some point of your life, the poor girl must have had some awkward ‘cheering up’ conversations whenever she was down.”

 

Okabe frowned. “I was being genuine!”

 

Kurisu laughed again. “And that’s where the problem is, you need to be genuine with confidence.”

 

“Pfft,” Okabe harrumphed, sticking his head high with pride, “I  _ was _ confident, Christina; it’s just you and your little world where you couldn’t see it as such.”

 

Kurisu rolled her eyes. “Would it kill you to call me by my real name?”

 

Okabe didn’t budge, still head high, but with no response.  _ It probably would _ , Okabe thought to himself, but made no effort to admit it. She shook her head and sighed, both of them still walking in tandem back to the lab entrance. 

 

As soon as they reached the bench outside of the CRTV shop, Kurisu stopped and Okabe looked back at her with confusion as she stood there, staring right back at him. There was a momentary pause before she spoke, slowly letting the words escape her mouth.

 

“...you haven’t called me ‘assistant’ for awhile, now.”

 

Okabe glanced back at her, evening out his emotions in him as she mentioned the obvious. He didn’t move as he kept his gaze steady on her; there was an unreadable emotion in her eyes as it stared back into his own, awaiting his answer to something that was so previously routine. 

 

For Kurisu, it was just as she expected; he didn’t answer her which left her with more open questions that she didn’t know how to ask. Why she even bothered to say that statement was beyond her; the absence of that key nickname felt like a void opened in her heart, even though it had always nagged at her. It was a silly name to be sure, but she couldn’t help but feel that it meant a little more each time he had called her as such.

 

And why, she thought to herself, she was craving to be called by that was beyond her. It was even more puzzling to herself that he didn’t bother answering that question, as if her assumptions were correct all along. But why did she bother bringing it up…? She suddenly felt timid, and deep down, she began wonder when they both began to be so awkward with each other.

 

The silence that began to build between them spoke volumes; years of distance did a number on their bond, and it became much more evident as none made an effort to mention it.

 

She suddenly felt stupid bringing it up and she glanced away, looking up towards the rooftop and began to take a few a steps forward to begin the ascent back up.

 

“...sit for a bit.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Okabe’s sudden suggestion threw her off guard as she glanced back up at him to see him making his way towards the bench. He sat with the store items next to him and though hesitant, Kurisu eventually made her way towards the bench as well, sitting back with him.

 

The silence continued; a small night breeze picked up as it blew its way down the street; Kurisu instinctively brought her cardigan closer to herself, unsure if it was the chill of the night that made her cold or if it was the silence that made her feel openly vulnerable. 

 

Okabe leaned back into the bench, shutting his eyes for a moment as Kurisu wrapped her cardigan around herself; for a moment, he debated on offering his own cardigan to her but...decided against it, realizing that would indeed blur the lines between the two of them.

 

He also realized he needed to stop indulging himself in such thoughts; it had been years since he could last remember a time when he used to think about being with her, but he had denial as his long-term partner and committed to it as such that he brushed all thoughts of it aside.

 

He avoided the question, he knew. How could he answer? ‘Assistant’ was a name he made specifically for her in reference to his long-ago infatuation, which eventually developed into something deeper. It was a name he kept as special, but since the day he decided to let her go, he never uttered the name again. He was surprised, shocked even, that she noticed it. But it was typical of her, he noted to himself, that she’d pick up on it; her curious mind never let such things go under the radar.

 

And why he asked her to sit, he couldn’t tell. Maybe he wanted more time with her alone. Maybe he wanted to talk to her. Maybe he actually wanted to elaborate on the meaning of the name ‘assistant’; in the end, he found himself at a loss of words and decided on silence in her presence.

 

Kurisu shifted next to him as she crossed her legs, eyes in thought.

 

“...are you really okay?”

 

Okabe cracked open one eye at her and shut it again, nodding slowly. “I’m fine.”

 

She pursed her lips. “Then why…”

 

“Maybe I just wanted company,” Okabe admitted, interrupting her sentence. He compromised with generalizing his internal emotions, realizing it didn’t sound that bad as he spoke. 

 

Another a small silence followed, then a sigh. Kurisu glanced up towards the sky again, contemplative.

 

“You could have just called me if you ever needed me,” she started. “Sure I’m busy, and the time difference is horrible, but…”

 

She turned her head towards him, his eyes now open as he turned to look back at her. 

 

“I’ll always answer. No matter what time it is, or what I may be doing, I’ll answer. Maybe not if I miss your call, but I’d call you back. I’d message you back. Even if it takes awhile....”

 

“You’re not alone, Okabe,” she continued. “I can see it in you; you walk as if the whole weight of the world is on your shoulders, but you have plenty of friends here to talk with. If you feel like the world is closing in, they will always be there for you.”

 

She smiled a bit as she concluded. “And I will be, too.”

 

Okabe felt his heart twinge at her last words, a twisted feeling inside of him as he internalized her reassuring comments. They were more than reassuring comments; they were words said once before in a seemingly other lifetime that are now rearranged and spoken in a different context, but still full of the same compassion and sincerity as the first time.

 

He gritted his teeth; the reason why he never called was because he wanted to let go of her; he  _ needed _ to let her go. All the same, she rarely called herself, but she did message quite often...but he couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t force her into a relationship built on promised words from another world line. 

 

And yet, in that moment, he felt so close to her again, so dangerously close, that he felt himself staggering between what was reality and denial. The lies that kept him alive began to faint in those few minutes once more, and it didn’t help that she kept staring at him, fueling the reminiscent feelings from long ago.

 

As if those said feelings pushed him forward, he found himself doing the impossible; leaning towards her, her gaze became closer and it slowly started to progress from surprise to realization-

 

“Oka...be?”

 

They were inches away, faces within range of each other, and so close that he could lean his forehead against hers. Almost immediately, he stopped at the sound of her voice, pulling away quickly and sighing in frustration as he ran a hand through his hair. 

 

He wanted to throw up; realizing his actions, he rubbed his temples with both of his hands, trying to stop the world before him from spinning. What did his actions look like to her, he silently wondered? Thinking back, it made him feel sick and twisted; here, she just explained breaking up with her partner of three years, and yet, what he was doing was-

 

He shook his head. The actions which he portrayed reflected desperation and an unreachable reality. The fact of the matter was obvious; he was a man stuck in the past, and it made Okabe feel disgusted with himself.

 

Kurisu, on the other hand, felt frozen in place from the events that transpired. Her face felt flushed, the chill of the night no longer affecting her as she turned away, placing her hands on her lap tightly. She felt her heart rate beating at an extreme rate as she tried to even her breathing.

 

While her spoken words were something that she had said for the first time to her, the undeniable familiarity came once more once she spoke them to him. They felt natural and free-flowing, and it was a message she genuinely wanted him to hear.

 

But in that moment as she spoke those words, she knew; she knew deep down, that they met something more, even as she kept speaking them. She tried to hold back, but her mind ran with so many words and somehow, her heart spoke those words instead. They were confusing to her; why, even after all these years, the remainder of these previous feelings still stayed in her with no definition.

 

And so, even in that moment as he leaned towards her, she found herself not protesting. His golden eyes bore into hers as he came closer; she initially felt surprised and typically, she’d push people away from coming too close to her without asking, but...in that moment, she welcomed-no, she  _ wanted _ him to come closer. Her curious mind ran in circles, wondering what would happen, or, what he was doing. He was very close to her, and the build up in that moment was both comforting and terrifying.

 

But nerves overcame her as she spoke his name softly, and she instantly regretted it the moment he turned away in frustration. 

 

And almost instantaneously, she regretted even thinking about that previous regret because that meant that Seth’s assumptions were true; she thought of something more all these years without realizing it. Kurisu clutched her arms around herself tightly, feeling vulnerable with the realization and the result of her unspeakable actions.

 

Now seated again in more silence, she felt her breathing even out, awareness to her surroundings returning as she looked up. No one was passing, as to be expected, but she didn’t dare turn to look him in the eye afterwards. It had only been a day and a half since her return to Japan, and the emotions and questions only continued to build.

 

She almost leaped when she heard Okabe sigh loudly, standing up as he did so. He grabbed the convenience store bag, and, turning his back on her, spoke in a nonchalant tone.

 

“...we better get these up to Faris and the others before they start...suspecting something else.”

 

Kurisu felt her cheeks flush and she nodded in silence, following Okabe as he began his ascent up the stairs. The echoes that filled the small stairwell loudly rang throughout the building, and Kurisu clutched her chest near her once-again rapid heart beat.

 

The echoes weren’t nearly as loud and painful as the ones in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: in the original S;G visual novel, it lightly explains that Mr. Braun knows Japanese and English (and I believe French, but I can't recall at the moment!), so that was just explaining that little tidbit that Kurisu mentioned above. 
> 
> In any case, next chapter to come shortly. ~


	5. Empty Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Would call, but I don't,  
> You could, but you won't,  
> 'Cause it's been too long now." ~ 'Touch' - 3LAU feat. Carly Paige

**_October 6, 2018_ **

 

She never heard from him since that night.

 

After they had dropped off the drinks to Faris, the rest of the night was a blur; they both stayed throughout the rest of the party, but never interacted with each other for the remainder of the time. She could barely remember making it back to her hotel that night and falling asleep until she awoke in the late morning the next day. She rarely slept in, and she decided to blame jet lag than the event for her increased hours of sleep. 

 

When she lay in bed the next morning on the 6th, she momentarily debated on contacting him, but remembering the events from the night before caused her to flush and automatically retract her phone back on to the nightstand next to her. It was too confusing, too uncertain, and most of all, too painful to bear. 

 

She spent the weekend walking around the streets of Akihabara within the company of Mayuri, Luka, and Faris. An unlikely bunch she’d find herself with, but with Daru now with his own family, he hardly spent as much time in the lab unless someone else was there or he had free time to spare while in the area. 

 

And it wasn’t like she was going to go to the lab any time soon, either. In previous years, she usually spent her free time there tinkering with what items they had and studying her own material, but from what she heard from Mayuri, Okabe used the space as his own personal research space when there wasn’t any get togethers. She concluded that she didn’t want to risk her presence there. 

 

Mayuri. The sweet girl never asked Kurisu about what happened that night, but it was clear that she knew more things that met the eye; that Saturday on the 6th, she invited Kurisu to dinner with her, Faris, Luka, and the Hashida family. While it wasn’t intentional, she also mentioned Okabe for a moment when they all met up.

 

“Okarin is busy all weekend with a project, so he won’t be meeting us this time,” Mayuri said sweetly. She looked towards Kurisu, smiling. 

 

“He works a lot, but maybe he can be with us again before you head out, yeah?”

 

Kurisu could remember herself slowly nodding and forcing a smile, still remembering the previous night’s events. Glancing at her phone quickly, she resisted the urge to sigh, noticing no new messages or notifications.

  
  
  
  


**_October 7, 2018 (Afternoon)_ **

 

She found herself wandering by herself around the streets of Akihabara. While she could have taken the train to visit the other surrounding cities, something in her heart told her that the very location had memories that almost seemed unreachable. She remembered Maho’s words of mixing fantasy and reality, but she shook her head, following her intuition to figure out the source of her misplaced feelings.

 

As she walked around the city, she felt her head fuzzy from memories she couldn’t remember if they existed or not. One glance at Faris’ cafe had memories of them sitting by a window seat, discussing date ideas for Okabe; another vaguely came as she passed the gyu-don shop, discussing her want of her own personal fork (and embarrassingly admitting it).

 

She slowed to the train station and suddenly felt a wave of comforting nostalgia, mixed with unsettled fear. As she glanced at the surroundings, her intuition told her to travel up the stairs,  each step weighing down on her heart.

 

There wasn’t really much of a view; just an oversight of the street below and more crowds of individuals making their ways to separate locations within the busy city. On the landing, however, she paused, overlooking the railing and breathing in the familiar scent of a reality never known to her.

 

Yet another passing memory, much clearer than the others, of an image of him hunched over by the railing, in tears and clear defeat. He had poured out his words and feelings of a daunting task he couldn’t complete, torn emotions and brokenness reflecting his actions.

 

It was the first time she had ever seen him cry.

 

The only other thing that came to her mind was feeling embarrassed; she cringed as she realized that she had cheered him up in some way, though it was unclear as to what she did in order to do so. She only had a vague feeling as to what she did; she thought in passing that she should recreate what she did. Nervously, she looked around for any other onlookers, realizing how idiotic she may look, but the urge to recreate the unseen memory was something she felt she had the need to perform.

 

Swallowing her pride, she slowly lifted her arms up in his characteristic Kyouma pose; she didn’t  _ dare _ laugh in public, but something tugged in her heart as she posed the silly gesture, immediately putting down her arms once she confirmed what felt right. She shook her head in embarrassment, not wanting to look around her.

 

At least she knew at one point, she had been there for one of his lowest points of his life.

 

She shook her head once more. Was she actually there, though, when it happened?  _ Did _ it actually happen? There was a dangerous line she knew she was crossing, and she decided to save the argument of objectivity versus subjectivity for a time when she could actually set her thoughts down on paper, if she ever found the time.

 

She continued to venture a bit more; losing track of time and being within her thoughts, she suddenly found herself passing a shrine. The sound of footsteps nearby caught her attention as they slowed and stopped, turning towards her. For a moment, she felt her heart pause, until the sound of a calm and gentle voice was heard.

 

“Makise-san…?”   
  


As she looked up, she realized Luka had stopped just right above the steps leading down to the shrine, a messenger bag strapped around his shoulder as he stared at her. He stared at her with a curious expression; Kurisu realized she hadn’t seen her own expression all day and managed to force a small smile.

 

“Ah, Urushibara-san...fancy meeting you here.”

 

He laughed a bit. “I would hope so,” he said. “This is my place of residence, after all.”

 

She nodded silently, hoping he wouldn’t catch on to her thoughts. He continued to gaze at her before smiling softly.

 

“I know you may be in a hurry, but...care to join me for tea, just for a little bit?”

 

\----

 

The weather was remotely cooler today, she noticed, as she sat on one of the benches near the shrine. She sipped the tea that Luka had offered her and she nodded in thanks again to the younger boy, who just smiled in return.

 

There was a small silence between them as a gentle breeze filtered through the leaves above them, and for a moment, Kurisu felt a momentary peace in her heart. The past few days’ events have gone by in a blink of an eye, and yet, nothing was solved within her mind or heart. 

 

“If you...don’t mind me asking...is there something on your mind right now?”

 

Luka’s soft voice broke through her thoughts and she stared back at his similar violet eyes which were round with genuine curiosity. Slight worry tinged them, and she wondered vaguely if he, or the other lab members for that matter, knew the strain on her current bond with Okabe. Whether they knew or not didn’t matter at this point, she concluded.

 

She took a deep breath before sighing slowly, staring at the sky.

 

“There’s just...a lot of confusing, painful, and relieving...emotions that I face with right now. That’s it, really.”

 

Luka turned his gaze away for a moment, a contemplative look on his face. He took a sip of his tea slowly and still remained in thought as he kept his gaze even to the scene in front of him.

 

“You brush it off as if it were nothing to worry about.”

 

Kurisu shrugged. “Since I don’t know where to begin, I guess I treat it as so.”

 

Luka frowned at this and he shook his head. “Even though your feelings are undefined right now, they’re still valid, no matter what they are. Small as it is, they still affect who you are every day.”

 

For a moment, Kurisu paused and stayed silent, taking in Luka’s words. He was right; though worded differently, she knew in every right that she was merely running away from the feelings that were eating her alive each day, and she came to realize that accepting it was the first step to the whole issue.

 

In her peripheral vision, she suddenly saw Luka waving his hands rapidly from left to right towards her, looking flustered.

 

“I-I’m sorry, that might have sounded too direct!”

 

Kurisu took a quick glance at Luka and she smiled a bit at him. The past few days have shown her how much the other members have grown, but to her, Luka developed into a fine individual, and a part of her couldn’t help but feel proud for the once-very timid boy. He was still shy to an extent, she noticed, but he knew when to speak up as able.

 

She laughed in return at his reaction, seeing him frown a bit with worry on his expression.

 

“You weren’t being direct; they were honest words I needed to hear from an honest friend,” she started, looking away. “What I feel is valid; I need to accept the fact that I am troubled right now, before going forward to figure out a solution.”

 

Luka relaxed a bit, lowering his hands on his lap, but still keeping his steady gaze on her. He pursed his lips a bit, looking hesitant before speaking.

 

“I…” he cleared his throat, speaking a little more bold. “I don’t know what it is that you’re going through right now, but if I may suggest…”

 

She looked at him and for a moment, she could see Luka pushing past his fears of speaking up as he spoke to her. It was impressive to see how much he kept trying and in her heart, she realized she could learn more lessons that one from him in that moment.

 

He exhaled a bit before continuing. “You’re...a straight-forward individual, and, well….I think with your personality, you should hit the source of everything directly instead of going around in circles, denying what it is that you know. From what I’ve seen in you, you’re smart and intelligent, and you know what it is that’s bothering you more than anything else.”

 

Luka looked down for a moment, catching his breath, and looking back at Kurisu once more. 

 

“I may not know you as much as Mayuri-chan does, but...I understand you enough to know that you know what it is that you must do next, even if it is something that you don’t wish to acknowledge.”

 

He made eye contact with her once more before his eyes widened suddenly. 

 

“Ah, I mean, I hope that all made sense….”

 

Kurisu sat, slightly stunned at Luka’s onpouring words. She never asked for comfort or advice during a time such as this, and yet somehow, the help of the lab members came to her when she needed it most. Deep down, she felt a warmth in her heart that fueled the undefined emotions from earlier and she smiled wholeheartedly back at Luka.

 

“It makes perfect sense. Thank you...really.”

 

Luka smiled in return, a flush setting on his cheeks as pure joy emitted from him in helping a fellow friend.

 

“Any time.”

 

\--

 

The sun hadn’t nearly set yet by the time Kurisu made her way out of the shrine to continue wandering around the busy streets. The talk with Luka slightly alleviated the stress in her heart  she knew it was time to eventually make her way back to her hotel.

 

For some reason, however, her feet ended up guiding her to a nearby park; there were no children on it at this hour, and she decided to sit at the bottom of the slide to sort out her thoughts.

 

As she sat, though, she felt an intense emotion of something key, something missing, and she looked around in a rushed stance to find the source. Just when she felt at peace, yet another one of those feelings came about, and she evened out her breathing, realizing that she had to face what it is instead of running away, focusing on what she could at the moment. 

 

The memories didn’t sporadically occur like magic; they came with intuition, almost in a deja vu-like state. They came in quick realizations with automatic knowing in what happened in the memory, until she caught herself realizing they weren’t true; at least, in her current world line.

 

So when she found herself calming down and thinking clearer, she realized the missing piece was built on a promise from words spoken in the middle of the night, the one time when her vulnerabilities lay open. She had told him about her father, and, being the leader he described himself as, he brought up the topic of visiting her father one day in Aomori. 

 

In the present, she grunted to herself. What kind of person would take a three hour (if not more) train ride to a city he didn’t even know, just to help her amend things with her father?

 

She shook her head, disappointed. He would. And the problem was that she  _ knew _ he would. 

 

Her heart clenched at the possible memory of him, but also with the thought of her father; while he was completely away from Japan in general, she still couldn’t shake off the feeling of what had happened on their last encounter together.

 

She sighed; problems that have long closed in her life weren’t the reason for her visit to Japan and she got up, dusting the back of her pants. The sun was beginning to set and she realized she needed to get dinner some place before it became too dark.

 

It also became apparent to her that she had been walking for nearly a full day in her own thoughts and she felt her head nearly about to explode. Deciding to take a break from the unsettling thoughts, she made the trek back to her hotel, hoping to relax for a bit.

 

**_October 7, 2018 (Evening)_ **

 

At least, she  _ thought _ she would be able to relax.

 

After a simple dinner of cup noodles, she found herself laying back in her hotel bed, her mind still running at a speed she couldn’t comprehend. While the conversation she had with Luka earlier that afternoon was pleasant, she realized she still couldn’t figure out what it was that was bothering her.

 

She shook her head. That in itself was a lie. Luka even pointed out her own inner denials that she so often didn’t want others to see, but he was perceptive enough to pick up on her difficult personality.

 

A sudden vibration on her phone alerted her from her thoughts and she reached over to her nightstand to flip it open, frowning as she did so. It was a weekly newsletter from Viktor Chondria University, and the thought of work at the moment was something unwanted in her chaotic mind, for the first time in a very long time.

 

She vaguely wondered how Maho was doing and debated on messaging her; as she opened her inbox to start a text, she suddenly stopped, sighing as she did so. Messaging Maho was the last thing she knew she should do; the older woman would probably tell her to do the same as what Luka previous suggested and talk to the source of her problems.

 

Kurisu flipped through her inbox messages aimlessly before stumbling across an unopened message from Moeka. She tilted her head in curiosity wondering what it was, before she flushed red at the realization of what it was. 

 

The flashback of the sleepover filled her mind, and how, out of all the members in the group, Moeka was one of the first individuals to figure out her situation. It was both surprising and expected, and she groaned, remembering how she let her emotions slip for that moment. 

 

Her finger hovered over the message, wondering if she should open it. She suddenly shook her head, realizing how childish she was and decided to open it, shrugging off any other doubt she had left.

 

She wasn’t prepared for the sound of her heart to beat excruciatingly loud as she stared at the attachment. 

 

There it was again, the same picturesque side profile of Okabe with earbuds on, staring at his phone as he sat in what appeared to be one of the city trains. The shot was taken from chest height up to the top of his head, which made the photo focus more so on his expressions rather than his physical posture. Moeka’s photography skills were with great precision; his sharp jawline was taken at a perfect angle, the lighting was not too overbearing, and it highlighted the piercing, golden eyes that so often entranced her in a confusing naturality. 

 

The attached photo had a message to go along with it as Kurisu scrolled down to read the straight-to-the-point message:

 

_ Hi!! I hope this isn’t too weird that I send you this, but it looks like you would enjoy it more than I would! ( : I took this picture around the time you two were working on something about 2 years ago while you guys were on a video chat, and this was a practice shot because the lighting was GREAT on the train back. Hope you enjoy it! < 33 _

 

_ P.S.: This is the happiest I’ve ever seen Okabe-kun. Maybe he needs your company more? >.< _

 

Kurisu shook her head at the uncharacteristic text that Moeka sent, the stark contrast between her text to her physical presentation always present. However, what puzzled her more was how keen Moeka was; it shouldn’t be surprising, she lightly wondered to herself, seeing how the older woman was typically more observant than the rest of the group. She concluded that it left her a little unsettled, most especially the last line of the message.

 

_ Maybe he needs your company more? _

 

She shut her phone and rested her arm across her forehead, sighing loudly. The silence was unbearable in the room and even more so between them, she realized. The aching in her chest only increased after her walk through Akihabara earlier that day and she frowned, knowing what she had to do. 

 

She sat up at the bedside and opened her phone to scroll through her contacts, hesitating as she did so. When she finally stopped at his name, she opened a new text message to send to him.

  
Kurisu momentarily closed her eyes before opening them again, typing out the words she knew that they both needed to hear.

 

\--

 

“This doesn’t...make any sense.”

 

Okabe mumbled to himself as he continued to read yet another article, attempting to write down notes from the source. He rubbed his eyes a bit before sighing in slight frustration as he realized he couldn’t take in anymore information, leaning back into the computer desk chair as he did so.

 

He heard a chuckled behind him and as he turned to face Professor Izaki, he frowned in response. Professor Izaki shook his head as he handed another paper on to Okabe’s desk.

 

“You’ve been at this for hours, and you’ve skipped your dinner break already,” the older professor started. “Don’t you think it’s time you’ve gone home? It’s a Sunday, you know, and you still have more work tomorrow.”

 

Okabe glanced at him briefly before shaking his head. “With all due respect, I actually really like the work…”

 

The professor smiled a bit, before concern wore on his expression. “And that’s what I appreciate and respect of you, but, if you don’t take care of your health, we might just lose one of our greatest researchers.”

 

Okabe shook his head. “I thank you for your concern, but...I’ll be okay.”

 

Okabe glanced briefly outside towards windows that showed darkening skies.  _ It’s better than thinking of other things. _

 

His mind quickly flashed scenes of that night, and he shook his head as quick as he could, pushing out the memory. He turned his attention to the professor again, who looked back at him with concern. Crossing his arms, the professor nodded towards Okabe.

 

“I’m going to assign you a temporary vacation.”

 

Okabe almost choked and he cleared his throat before looking back at him. “E-excuse me-?”

 

“You heard me,” the professor said, slightly smiling. “I know it’s a bit sudden, but I really think you need some time off. I can tell there’s a lot on your mind lately, so I think it’ll do you and your work some good if you can take some time off.”

 

Okabe shook his head, opening his mouth to protest, before Professor Izaki raised his hand up in protest.    
  
“No excuses, okay? Can you take a two week vacation starting the 15th?”

 

Okabe blinked his eyes at how quickly the conversation had developed in a matter of a few minutes; he swallowed, realizing that there was no negotiation allowed, and, wanting to be respectful of his senior, he sighed in defeat as he slowly nodded. 

 

The professor smiled in return and patted Okabe’s shoulder. “I know it’s not what you want to do, but you honestly haven’t taken any days off since you started working here and we just want to think the best for you.”

 

Okabe nodded. “I understand.”

 

The professor nodded in return, straightening up as he did so. “Two weeks is a long time, and I bet you can fill it with going some place, or staying in the area…”

 

Okabe really hadn’t planned on going anywhere; in his mind, this conversation had changed his month schedule in a matter of minutes, but as soon as the professor mentioned about taking a trip someplace else, Okabe’s mind suddenly focused on a past memory from long ago.

 

_ “I’ll go anywhere you want - anywhere in Japan.” _

 

_ “Aomori...that’s where he lives now.” _

 

He closed his eyes for a moment, almost laughing to himself. Times have changed in eight years and there was no longer a valid reason for going anymore, but…

 

“Aomori.”

 

Okabe found himself saying the city aloud before shutting his mouth suddenly, feeling slight embarrassment as he looked up towards the professor. He looked down at Okabe with slight question in his eyes before shrugging.

 

“Aomori…? Well, if you have family business there, I don’t blame you; just be sure to relax, okay?”

 

With that, the professor continued his way down as he walked away from Okabe. Okabe shook his head again and rubbed his eyes, realizing that the professor was probably right; he needed a break. 

 

As soon as he thought about relaxing, his phone suddenly vibrated, indicating an incoming text message. He eyed it curiously, vaguely wondering if it was Mayuri asking him to pick up something on his way back home.

 

His stomach dropped, however, as he opened his phone and read the dreadful message, knowing that this, too, would happen one day. 

 

_ Incoming Message (19:17) _

_ From: Assistant  _

 

_ We need to talk. - Kurisu _


	6. Price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A lonely speaker in a conversation,  
> Her words are swimming through his ears again,  
> There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you paid for." ~ "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" - Panic! At the Disco

**October 9, 2018 (Evening)**

 

The two days passed without event; per Okabe’s schedule, they agreed to meet in the evening, as meeting the following day was too much of a last minute warning for his work schedule.

 

In reality, Okabe purposely postponed their meeting to allow himself some time to think. Him and thinking didn’t blend well, he knew, but it was at least enough time to calm his nerves before seeing her.

 

On the evening of their meeting, Kurisu found herself pacing outside laboratory stairs entrance, before finally bringing up the courage to walk up the stairs. She had filled the two days with catching up with work material to the best she could and buying souvenirs and items she could only purchase in Japan to bring back to both Maho and her mother. Even so, the small errands didn’t deter her mind from the impending meeting.

 

By the time Kurisu had walked up the stairs to the lab, the night had gotten remotely cooler and she shivered as she reached the front door. As she wrapped her cardigan around herself, she raised her hand to knock on the door before she realized how stupid that was and began to turn the door knob to enter. A cold breeze picked up as the door opened, causing her to shiver once more.

 

Kurisu wondered if it was the weather or the situation that made her feel so cold.

 

As soon as he heard the door open, Okabe flinched from his seat in the development room, his back against the entrance of the lab room. He was hunched over in his work spread out across the table once more, and though he had been there since early afternoon, not much had been accomplished during his time there. It was becoming repetitive, the amount of work he had been attempting to do since her arrival in Japan, to the point that it was tiring, annoying, and most of all, wasted time when he could have been spending it on more productive things.

 

Daru’s words echoed in his mind: _Your work_ **_is_ ** _your run away._

 

Okabe agreed with his friend full-heartedly. He was well-aware of what he was doing, and it began to degrade on his mind and overall health, to the point that even his senior coworker took notice. He thought his work had been more productive since her arrival, but it began to feel more tedious and Okabe felt nothing but frustration.

 

The frustration in himself built even more as his stomach dropped at the sound of her footsteps entering the laboratory room. Denial had been failing him for the past few days, and it increasingly waned as he turned to face her, knowing full well what his intuition was telling him.

 

He still loved her so very much.

 

The way she stood in front of him with a hesitating expression, how she fidgeted with one of her cardigan sleeves, how she bit her lower lip when deciding what to say, the way her long hair cascaded over her shoulders, curious eyes that reflected question and a passion for learning-

 

He loved all of her, and the raw emotion tore him up inside. Years of denial suppressed what he should have told her years ago, and nothing but regret and guilt flooded his heart.

 

The first thing she noticed when she saw him was weariness; fatigue and stress shown on his features even within the few days’ gap of not seeing each other, whether it be from work or other commitments.

 

She wanted to believe it was his work that made him look so broken.

 

When she realized how long she had been staring at him, Kurisu blinked a few times before refocusing her attention.

 

“...hi.”  


She immediately shut her mouth, realizing how stupid it sounded before shaking her head.

 

“I-I mean, how are you?”  


Okabe looked taken aback for a split moment before shrugging. “Alright. You?”

 

Kurisu made an effort to cross the room to sit on the couch, avoiding eye contact with him.

 

“Okay, I guess. Walked around Akihabara this weekend.”

 

Okabe hummed in response and he nodded slowly. “Did you run into any of the other lab members?”

 

She nodded. “All of them, actually.” _Except you,_ she thought to herself.

 

She heard Okabe sigh as he turned his chair fully to face her direction, also avoiding her eye contact.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

His sudden apology caught her off guard, and she finally looked at him again, question in her eyes. While he indeed owe her an apology, the context behind it was still unexplained to her.

 

“W-well…”

 

“I was busy,” Okabe responded. “Not a...very valid excuse, but...I know you’re only here for a limited time and I just kept working instead.”

 

He swallowed his pride, holding back that he purposely scheduled himself for work during her visit. It was unnecessary fact that didn’t need to be shared, he resolved with himself.

 

He noticed Kurisu keep her gaze on him for a moment before looking away and crossing her legs, settling into the couch.

 

“It’s fine. I know what that’s like too, you know.”

 

Okabe nodded silently, which prolonged a silence between them even more. The silence was deafening, he realized; there was a thick tension in the air and he could only swallow in nervousness.

 

The distance between them showed in the absence of sound that continued to grow. While Okabe noticed it the first time they met a few nights ago, what he didn’t notice was how awkward and unnatural their conversations became. Despite her being nearly next to him, the realization of distance and time taking its toll on their bond made him feel even farther away from her more than ever.

 

He loved her, yet he didn’t want her. It was an endless cycle of undesired pain, and yet, he found himself becoming so comfortable with it over the past few years.

 

He heard Kurisu shift on her seat from the couch, and through his peripheral vision, he could see her eyes boring into his direction.

 

“What is it that you’re thinking right now?”  


Her question wasn’t a general check-up question; she was genuinely asking him and searching for the answers he never wanted her to find out, and almost instinctively, he felt himself shut in his feelings again as he shrugged slowly.

 

“It’s not really impor-”

 

“If it wasn’t important,” Kurisu began, “you wouldn’t be looking as desolate as you are now.”

 

She sighed. “I know you, Okabe...you tend to not tell others how you’re really feeling and it leads to your unhappiness.”

 

Okabe shook his head in return. “Look who’s talking.”

 

The bitterness in his voice came out unfiltered, and before he could catch himself, the words escaped his mouth and he finally turned his gaze to Kurisu. She seemed to had caught on to his light implication of her breakup, as an expression of shock to disbelief, and finally realization and anger spread on her face before she uncrossed her legs and leaned in his direction.

 

“How dare you…! I was honestly asking you out of worry, and you just throw something as heartless as that back at me!”

 

“Heartless?” Okabe asked back in return, as he sat up straight in his chair. “I'm the one heartless? Because I was the one who stopped talking to you after all these years and suddenly show up, demanding answers?”

 

He knew he was being unfair, but years of pent up frustration started to flow from his mouth, and before he knew it, unspoken thoughts formed into bitter words.

 

He watched as Kurisu was slightly taken aback, before her brows furrowed and her gaze evened out towards him.

 

“Oh,” she breathed, anger building in her voice, “ so _this_ is what it's about, then? How I look like some kind of friend who only comes when I need something?”

 

“Not necessarily,” Okabe began, “but your business here has been reflecting an unfair circumstance.”

 

“I'm unfair,” Kurisu repeated in a deadpan voice. “I'm unfair for coming to Japan and wanting to know what you've been hiding from me all these years?”

 

She watched as Okabe eyes slightly wavered at her question, which fueled her anger even more at the confirmation of her words and intuition. He looked up at her and squinted his eyes at her. It was cold, emotionless, and most of all, reflected _pure anger_ as they pierced back into her eyes.

 

It was the first time Kurisu had ever seen Okabe genuinely angry, and it sent a chill down her spine.

 

“There has been nothing I've been hiding that you need to know,” he answered in a low voice.

 

His answer was enough time send her back into her anger as she stood up from the couch, facing him.

 

“Don't play dumb with me, Okabe! I know, hell, even the other lab members know, that there's _something_ you're hiding!”

 

“And if I told you?!” Okabe responded quickly, at last standing up from his chair. “What good would it do you? You have a good life in the US. You're a well-respected researcher living with another great researcher, successfully writing papers, and going around the world giving conferences!”

 

Kurisu looked at him in slight confusion. “What does my life have to do with you not telling me?”

 

“Everything!” Okabe exclaimed. “Your life is good. You have the job, the living, and, well, you had the partner. You're well on your way to something greater, and almost on your way to a future with-”

 

“What does _he_ have to do with this right now?!” Kurisu interrupted. “ It's over, Okabe, and I'd appreciate it if you stop bringing it up!”

 

“Huh,” Okabe harrumphed at her response. “That's because it doesn't make any sense to me why you suddenly came to Japan shortly after he broke it off with you, and why you're suddenly demanding answers from me after all these years.”

 

“Who's demanding answers, now?” Kurisu responded. “And that's my personal life, things you don't need to know.”

 

She resisted the urge to explain that the reason of her break up was the incentive to return back to Japan; she thought to herself that it was an unnecessary detail, as she stood her ground.

 

Okabe shook his head. “If I don't need to know, then you still don't see the unfairness of this circumstance. You contacted me all these years, talked about this guy with me, suddenly stop talking to me, and then I don't have the right to even ask _why_ it happened?”

 

“I did message you!” Kurisu said, holding her phone. “I can count the amount of times you messaged back in the past three years on one hand, so who's being unfair now? And why do you even care about what happened to my relationship-”

 

“Because you were happy!” Okabe interrupted. “You were happy and I wanted to keep supporting that, even if-”

 

He bit his lip before completing the sentence with _“even if it hurt me”_ as he took a deep breath and continued.

 

“Even if you were far, you were happy with your life, and that's all I could ask for.”

 

Kurisu took a step forward, and evenly she responded, trying to control her anger.

 

“And who…” Kurisu questioned, “gave you the right to decide my happiness?”

 

“Who,” she continued, “decided that it was up to you to figure out who I should be with? Who decided that it was _okay_ to not ask you what it is you're hiding, after all these years of me sharing my own life with you?”

 

She shook her head. “I may have been _happy_ at one point, but there’s more that’s been on my mind lately, causing me to come back to Japan. Whether you believe it or not, I’m still your friend and I’m here to hear you out.”

 

Okabe felt his inner emotions twist inside him, a conflict of acceptance and rejection as she stood before him. He couldn’t tell anymore if she was angry or concerned, or maybe both, but it was everything he felt he didn’t need at the moment. Maybe he was frustrated, but the emotions he kept in blinded his original goal to reconcile with her as he stared at her with a piercing gaze, standing firm to not let his walls down.

 

“That’s why I’m asking you again,” she said once more. “What are you hiding from me, Okabe?”

 

“I can’t tell you,” he automatically responded through gritted teeth. “I’ve told myself all these years that you don’t need to share what this is.”  


Kurisu groaned in frustration as she waved her arm at him. “ _Why_ are you hiding this from me? It’s clearly something I did that affected you so much!”

 

Flashbacks from their shared kiss eight years ago ran through his mind as she spoke, and for a moment, he felt his chest tighten up with anguish before righting himself once more. _That’s the lightest way to explain it,_ Okabe thought to himself in response to her statement.

 

“I didn’t decide your happiness,” Okabe countered, backtracking to her previous question. “I only wanted to support it.”

 

“Even if my happiness hurts you like this?” she fired back, noticing him visibly flinch. “I can see it in your eyes, Okabe. Every time you look at me, all I see is distress as if you want to tell me something. There’s something more than that, but hell if I know if you never tell me!”

 

“Because it would ruin everything between us if I did!” Okabe finally admitted. “Even if I just observe you from afar, that’s enough to keep me going; I didn’t need you to pry further into how I feel!”

 

When Okabe realized what he had exclaimed, he automatically shut his mouth and turned away, biting his lip as he did so. He cursed to himself, mostly in disbelief as he realized that he unintentionally let his emotions show through implied words.

 

Kurisu’s eyes widened, sudden realization hitting her as she took a small step back. The years of their friendship began to re-play in her mind, as she began to comprehend his words to their past interactions. Internally, she felt herself denying the very _thought_ that was so obviously true, but the evidence before her was staggering.

 

His broken expression, the reason why he barely messaged back, why he was so frustrated…

 

She felt like a fool.

 

And feeling like a fool, a mix of anger and confusion began to well up in her again. Was this what he couldn't tell her? Or was there more? She began to remember the memories she saw in her mind as she walked throughout Akihabara the other day, feeling a tight and bittersweet sensation filling her chest.  She brought her fist up to her tightening chest, words wavering as she spoke.

 

“...I pried into your emotions because I need to know how you’re actually feeling.”

 

She gazed at him once more, evening her adrenaline-rushed breathing. Her heart was running miles in her chest, and she took deep breaths to even her voice before speaking.

 

“Okabe...when you look at me, what do you see?”

 

Okabe kept his head turned the other way, not moving as she relaxed her arms and lightly clasped her hands together. She knew he wasn’t the type to answer, and she spoke, feeling her voice suddenly feeling dry.

 

“...When I see you in a crowd, I see a charismatic man who loves the people he cares around him. He would do anything for them and would even risk his own feelings to make them comfortable. He’s hardworking and passionate about what he does, even if he is a little obnoxious at times.”

 

“But when I see you face to face,” she continued when he didn’t respond, “I see brokenness. I see happiness. I see conflict. Most of all, I see a regret and feel a feeling of familiarity that I can’t pinpoint or understand. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you and I...I came back because I need to know why I feel like I’ve known you for so much longer than what these eight years have brought us.”

 

She stopped speaking as she realized her throat felt very dry, or choked up; which it was, she couldn’t tell, but she found herself stopping when a twisting feeling in her stomach began to arise and form into a confusing feeling she couldn’t understand.

 

Okabe remained facing towards the lab computer, not meeting her gaze. Hearing her openly admit a familiarity with him only confirmed his dreaded feelings of her remembering vague memories from the Alpha world line. Everyone had a small case of Reading Steiner to an extent, he knew based on his experiences of the other lab members on other world lines, but he always denied to himself that she would ever have the same symptom. He knew now how stupid it was to hold on to such a belief because someone as smart as _the_ Makise Kurisu would never let something to that volume slip under her curious mind.

 

He wondered in his mind how much she did remember, but the thought of that alone had him almost feel too vulnerable and open. Okabe walked up to the computer desk and leaned onto it with a sigh. The weight of their argument and the outpouring of his pent-up emotions began to tax on his energy and he suddenly felt exhausted, breathing evenly as he tried to regain his momentum.

 

A small silence enveloped them momentarily before Okabe turned around slowly, still avoiding her gaze. He leaned against the computer desk and sighed once more, placing his hands in his pockets.

 

“...this is clearly going nowhere,” he began, speaking in a dejected state. “I don’t think...right now is a good time for either of us to keep continuing this conversation.”

 

For a moment, Kurisu stepped forward to counteract his response, before she caught herself, suddenly understanding the weight of his words. They were both unstable in their own emotions and words, and he was right; continuing the conversation could be even more detrimental to what little they already had together.

 

She eyed him once more, the posture of a burdened man before her, still feeling a rise in her chest.

 

“I agree with you...for once.”

 

For a moment, they both stood still, allowing the silence fill between the two of them. Kurisu knew it was her fault. Years of focusing on her own life, hardly keeping in contact with the other lab members, most of all, him, took a toll on her bond and presence in Japan and regret began to fill her once more. Most of all, years of ignorance contributed to her biggest observation failure thus far: his emotions.

 

It was enough make her feel foolish, wanting to hide someplace he couldn’t see her.

 

Okabe knew it was his fault. Taking denial as a companion grated on his emotions to nearly nothing, standing as an empty shell of a man who once had a fire in him to take on anything in his path. His biggest regret began to build within him when he accidentally slipped out his emotions in front of her, not wanting to place it on her and yet, doing the very thing he tried to avoid all these years.

 

It was enough to make him feel like a shameful coward, wanting to hide someplace where she couldn’t see him.

 

The tension in the room was the price they both paid for, awareness of the result of their actions suddenly in plain sight; but stubbornness and regret prevented them from moving forward into a resolved peace.

 

Kurisu could practically feel the unresolved tension in the air as she awkwardly weight shifted between her legs, unsure if she should leave or not. She found herself wanting to do something so much more for him, but...his posture told her everything that she needed to know.

 

He remained unmoved and silent. Okabe knew that if he locked eyes with her, he wouldn’t be able to keep composure, and thus he stood still, hoping that she would eventually leave without him saying anything. He didn’t even know the next time he would see her; all he knew at that moment was that his heart ached so much more so than it ever had.

 

Kurisu decided that it was time to leave, picking up on his nonverbal cues. She turned around hesitatingly before picking up her bag sitting on the couch, slow and deliberate actions reflecting her stance as she did so. The awkwardness began to fill them again, and she wasn’t sure if it was just right to leave with what just unfolded before them.

 

But when he didn’t bother to look at her even as she slowly crossed the living room to the entrance of the lab door, she resolved that maybe it was time to give him space again before deciding to meet with him again. When that would happen...she didn’t bother to ask, but she concluded that setting up another meeting time at that moment wouldn’t be ideal or conducive to the current situation.

 

She slowly opened up the lab door, a cold wind bursting through as she huddled against it, feeling a terrible pitting in her stomach as she closed the door behind her. At the sound of it clicking shut, her legs suddenly felt weak, as she slowly lowered herself to the floor in a kneeled position. Without warning, unexpected and confusing tears began to flow down her cheeks and she clutched herself tightly with one hand over her mouth, in an attempt to hide the audible sob that began to rise within her.

 

She didn’t know what was going on or why she felt her chest about to explode, but she knew only one thing: Okabe Rintarou meant so much more to her than she could even comprehend.

 

Inside the lab, Okabe sat on the computer desk hunched over, head held up by his hands on his temples as silent tears of his own spilled over for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (...would you believe me if I said I was exhausted after writing this chapter? These two are just so frustrating sometimes, aren't they?). 
> 
> Til next chapter!


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